Lifestyle change can disrupt a relationship

Since I started college, my girlfriend’s started working late, putting on makeup, changed her appearance and acted distant. She had this Snapchat app and a guy was her “gold heart.” She changed the password to her phone several times and is very secretive.

She swore on the Bible that she’s not cheating, yet recently changed her sexuality from being gay to pansexual. She says I accuse and assume too much, but she creates all these signs. Suspicious and Upset

The first change was yours, when you started college. So perhaps she’s insecure about losing you to other interests, new friends, etc.

She may also be lonely or feeling neglected, if you’re gone by day and studying at night.

Talk to her, without accusing. Ask what she’s feeling about your relationship.

If you still believe she’s playing around, be direct about what you can accept and what you cannot.

It may be that this is a new phase for both of you, but not as a couple. We’re six siblings, living throughout Ontario, with our parents in Alberta.

Every year before Christmas, we book seven rooms in one hotel for a weekend, each paying for our own families.

We’ve always stayed in a city close to where our eldest brother was buried six years ago (three hours away from where I live with my husband and kids).

We each take time to visit his gravesite with our own family.

My family’s had some difficulty booking this gathering as our eldest son plays competitive hockey and must show up for games.

Two years ago we couldn’t attend.

Last year, we could only stay over Saturday night — missing the main family fun on Friday night.

This year, we asked our extended family to choose a city closer to our hometown, as our son’s hockey game is on Saturday afternoon. We didn’t want to miss Friday evening again, nor travel six hours home and back on Saturday. Everyone agreed to move the venue, except one brother who lives the furthest away. He says it’s his only time to visit our brother’s grave, and thinks I’m being selfish.

I explained that we won’t be able to attend at all.

He said that I should make that sacrifice since I’ve picked the hockey game over the family get-together.

I explained this’ll be the case for the next 10 years as my two other boys play hockey. I know my family will agree with him. I feel he’s insulted me, my husband and my sons.

I can’t decide if my reasoning or his is selfish. How do I move forward with this? Extremely Hurt

You’re both more stubborn than selfish.

But this brother apparently carries a lot of influence in the family.

Instead of waiting to see who blinks first (he won’t), think what the next 10 years of hockey vs. family gatherings means to you.

It’s a once-a-year intrusion on one game only.

If you alert the coach ahead, and your sons are otherwise consistent and reliable, can it be accepted?

Or, perhaps your husband can drive a son back and forth to play hockey, while you and the others stay with the weekend gathering.

Maybe, after a couple of times, the rest of the family will tell your brother it’s his turn to be accommodating, since they’re all willing.

If not, decide what matters most to you in the big picture.

Being hurt and insulted will only take you further from your family, and it resolves nothing.

If you still believe she’s playing around, be direct about what you can and cannot accept. This may be a new phase for both of you

Tip of the day A change for one partner affects the other, sometimes disrupting the relationship. Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays, at thestar.com/elliechat. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice.