Lavish gift could embarrass recipient
My sister is a single parent raising two kids; she works in retail, so barely makes ends meet. Recently, her ancient dishwasher busted; now, on top of everything else, she and the kids have to wash dishes by hand. With Christmas coming, I would like to buy her a new dishwasher; my husband and I can easily afford it. But my husband is afraid that such a lavish gift would embarrass my sister, emphasizing how much better off we are. Do you think his concern is valid? Yes, I do. There are cynics who will say, “The miserable coot doesn’t want to spend the money.” Others will argue, “Hey, a dishwasher is a dishwasher — it sure beats washing by hand.” Fair enough, I guess — but your husband is thoughtful and his concern legitimate.
At one point in my career, I worked in a church populated, largely, by very wealthy people.
It was their tradition, at Christmas, to buy their minister a poinsettia, and because they were being generous, they bought the same sized poinsettia they would purchase for their own, elaborate houses. The plants were gorgeous, but my wife and I lived in a tiny, downtown condo. We loved our place, and we loved the spectacular red plants — but a 900-square-foot poinsettia doesn’t work out well in a 1,000square-foot apartment.
The intent was generosity — but the effect was to emphasize the difference between the way we lived and the way most of them lived.
That’s precisely what your husband is worried about — and good for him. So don’t call your local appliance store and order an $800 dishwasher with all the bells and whistles to be delivered — surprise, surprise — on Christmas Eve. But there is a way around the problem.
Speak directly to your sister. Tell her, straight up, what you’d like to do. Try something like this: “I know your dishwasher is pooched. It would make John and me really happy if you would let us buy a replacement as a Christmas gift. We could go shopping sometime in the next week or so and you could pick one out that suits your needs. It would be our gift to you and the kids — I bet they hate washing dishes! Would that be OK?”
An approach like this affords your sister the dignity of making decisions, both about the appropriateness of the gift and the suitability of a particular product.
She’s your sister, so you know the difference between a real “no” and a “golly gee, you shouldn’t have.” If the answer is really no, then forget about it; buy her kids some Lego and send sis a bottle of wine.
But if she says “yes,” then make an occasion of the shopping trip. Go out for lunch somewhere reasonable and if she offers to pay, let her. If you’ve got a price limit for the dishwasher, tell her what it is, then invite her to pick out whatever she likes and get it delivered in time for Christmas dinner. If she invites you to that festive meal, go.
Dishwashers are expensive. Dignity? Priceless. If you play this right, you can help your sister enjoy both this festive season. Send your questions to star.ethics@yahoo.ca.