Readiness to believe gossip the real issue

Ayear ago, my wife’s best friend and her husband split up, after she discovered he’d been having an affair with one of her other friends.

He then told her that he’d also been having an affair with my wife. My wife denies this. He said they’d meet a couple of times weekly, over two years, then it ended and he found girlfriend number No. 2.

His wife decided not to believe him, to maintain her friendship with my wife. But this leaves me in limbo.

I caught her a few years ago sexting another man. She denied it meant anything, and ended contact with him.

But this is a whole new level of betrayal. Because he gave no proof of the affair, everyone has to choose which one to believe. But I still can’t get past this.

I don’t want to be with a lying cheater who disrespects me so much that she’ll just do what she wants until she gets caught, then try to lie her way out of it.

Once a cheater always a cheater? Still Feeling Betrayed

It’s about your relationship, not this alleged affair. Your readiness to believe the worst serves as your “proof.”

And one incident of a sexy text in a correspondence that she immediately ended, seals the case for you.

With a gossip circle taking sides, this is understandably embarrassing to you.

Is that why you’re ready to pronounce her guilty without evidence?

I understand that if she’s truly “getting away with it,” then any suggestions from me that you and she could benefit from marital counselling will be ignored.

But take a closer look at whatever issues had already existed between you that make you so willing to distrust her?

As for “once a cheater . . .” the answer is no, not always.

Not when both partners are willing to explore (usually with help) the reasons why an infidelity happened, with each looking at their own contribution (distance, lack of intimacy, other priorities, whatever). And not when the person who strayed is truly sorry and acknowledges one’s action.

That hasn’t happened in this case of accusations and suspicion.

So maybe your wife is actually innocent of this charge.

I’ve been dating this guy for over a year and yes, we’ve had our ups and downs, like most couples.

But recently I decided I needed a break, yet we remained living together and he was begging me to take him back. I finally said yes. Now he’s moving three hours away and wants six months apart to see if I’m “the right one.”

But we’re going to be exclusive and I have to wait for him. In my heart I want to think the best, but in my mind I know I should just move on. Lost and Confused

He’s getting back at you for the “break” you imposed. Your setup was confusing and hurtful — i.e. not “together” in spirit (and presumably not in intimacy) while still living together.

Now he wants the usual “time and space” distancing, but with his added no-dating control over you.

It’s a reverse power play — he gets to decide the future while you have to just hope and wait.

Take a real break this time. You both can date or not as you choose.

That way, you’ll both discover whether the relationship’s important enough for each of you to make some compromises and work it out, instead of each needing ways to escape.

Tip of the day Readiness to believe an affair without any evidence is about the relationship, not the truth. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays, at thestar.com/elliechat. Follow@ellieadvice.