Medical students can make long-distance work

We’re both in medical school. My boyfriend of two years is 25, and I’m 24. Next year, we have to “match” to a city and medical specialty through a complicated process. I’ll probably be living in that city for the next five years.

I’ve always been carefree about relationships, but now I want to marry my boyfriend (within the next couple of years). My boyfriend loves me. He’s already decided on a particular specialty and will live anywhere in the country to get his choice.

With an option called “couples’ matching” you somewhat sacrifice both of your choices in order to guarantee living in the same city. He avoids discussing it. He says I should pick my career above anything else, to not feel any resentment later.

Five years is a long time to be apart in this big country.

I sense that he’d rather have his career choice than end up with me.

Will he ever sacrifice his career for me, or is it selfish of me to think of it like this?

I don’t like ultimatums but this affects my career choice, too. Should I just break up with him if he won’t compromise? Stressed Medical Student

Your stress is natural but you’re exacerbating it by trying to decide everything at once.

You’ve both invested a great deal of time on these careers. He’s very focused on the specialty he wants to practice for years ahead. He started on that path before he met you and it’s unfair to say this means you’re less important to him.

Even in a big country, there are ways to stay connected if the desire is strong enough.

You’re less focused on a specialty so are trying to use this decision to test the relationship. But there’s no threat to it at this time. Even if you wait a few years to marry, you’re both still young.

You don’t even mention that you love him, just that you’ve decided to marry him, as if convenient accessibility and security is what’s most important.

Encourage his choosing his preferred match. He’ll respond better to ideas for how you two work things out.

Focus on your own specialty preference. Perhaps you’ll be matched somewhere not that distant. Surely two smart, determined doctors can find a way to stay loving until it’s possible to live together. My husband of 40 years is very controlling. We met at 16, got pregnant and married, then moved 5,632 kilometres away from my family.

My world is getting smaller with no friends or family nearby. I only leave home to shop. If I’m too long, he checks receipts for the timeline.

I’ve only seen our two teenage grandsons twice, though they live not far away. He figures that since we’re on a low income they should afford to visit us. Now my daughter’s here with two babies, and he’s saying I can’t see her until he clears his issues with her.

I cannot understand why I let him control my life. My daughter’s fed up with my letting this go on. Can you knock some sense into me? Small World

Forgive yourself for the past. You were young, dependent, had children to raise.

If he’s unlikely to change, or will retaliate if you try to discuss this, consider what you can handle.

You need contact with other people — through an activity, volunteering, etc. And you need to see your family.

If he won’t allow this, consider leaving through a safe plan, possibly moving to your daughter.