> OFF THE RACK

OK!

Cover: Gwen Stefani is altar bound because she’s pregnant with twins, says an insider, citing the “inner circle,” which might be a euphemism for the reproductive system, and one I’d be happy to see grow popular. Remember the Tabloid Pregnancy Rule: if there are no such twins by this time next year, please return the magazine to your retailer for a full refund. Khlouded: There’s a problem with Khloe Kardashian’s talk show, Kocktails with Khloe: she’s actually quite drunk while it’s being taped. Actually, there’s a second problem: you don’t know anyone who even knows anyone who’s watched it. Stars align: Jennifer Lawrence talked with Leo DiCaprio at the Golden Globes, and now OK! is trying to declare J-Law and, er, L-DiC a couple, with all the subtlety and grace of a dirty fan-fic writer, or an 8-year-old mashing her Katniss and Howard Hughes dolls together.

LIFE & STYLE

Cover: Beyoncé and Cameron Diaz are, the mag claims, both expecting a divorce and just plain expecting. The story drolly claims that poor Bey will need to lean on her sister Solange for support (and not, say, 10,000 of her handlers) and that Jay-Z yelled at her, “You’re not the boss of me!” Dear Life & Style: the man wrote “Moment of Clarity,” please make up better dialogue for him than this. Pitt stops: Thought Brad Pitt looked years younger than 52 at the Golden Globes? Life & Style bores you with his supposed clock-rewinding diet — salmon, walnuts, chia seeds, repeat until Benjamin Buttoning — then at the end the article slides in a mention that, yes, he’s also had plastic surgery, which helps too.

STAR

Cover: Star also thinks Diaz is divorcing — and so is sister-in-law Nicole Richie — but she’s not pregnant. Star says Diaz’s old friend Drew Barrymore might be preggers, though, and she is also getting unhitched, so some very rich ladies you haven’t thought about in a decade will all be on the market. Please don’t let this be the genesis of a third Charlie’s Angels film. As for the rockin’ Madden brothers from the band Good Charlotte, whom Diaz and Richie wed, they can grab Barrymore’s art-dealer ex and Jay-Z and form — no, not a supergroup, thank God. Maybe just a pretty cool bowling team.