Select dates carefully to weed out the creeps
I’m a single woman, early 40s; my 20-year marriage ended three years ago. Ayear ago, I was set up on a date by a friend. After talking for hours, he said he wanted to see me again. Two days later, he texted: “Sorry, you’re not my match.”
Next, in a department store, an attractive guy said I was beautiful, asked if I was single and if we could meet for coffee.
I thought I should be open to new people. We met for a drink in a public place and he insisted I come to his place the following day. I said no and never heard from him again.
I tried online dating, and numerous men sent me pictures of their manhood. But I met and dated a very at- tractive man, exclusively, for five months.
Until he texted, “The sex is amazing, but I hate dogs and we’re not on the same page.”
I’m not desperate, maybe a little naive, but not stupid.
Ellie, where did all the gentlemen go? Seeking Good Men
The men have been around, lived through social changes ( just as you did); some got jaded, but not all.
Keep being open to meeting people, but remember that being “naive” wasn’t helpful choosing a serious partner even when you were young and certainly isn’t now.
Strangers carry risks. That applies to people you meet in a store, as you found, and also to online dating, where it’s essential to learn to read profiles selectively.
If you, or a man you meet, have issues re: smokers, pet owning, etc., air them fast.
Do NOT enter into a relationship until you’re clear on each other’s values, have met closest family and friends, are certain of their single status and have basic knowledge of each others’ financial stability.
Our son moved to Seoul, South Korea, married a Korean woman, and they now have a 1-year-old daughter.
On our first visit, his in-laws gave up their bedroom for us. On our next visit, they gave us a spare bedroom and new sheets.
They’re very nice people, but the language barrier and the vastly different cultural values made visiting a bit difficult.
This summer, our son, his wife and child are coming to Canada for two months.
Her parents, sister, brother-inlaw and their child are also coming for three weeks, will travel, but stay with us for 10 days.
In our two-bedroom house, all but us and her parents will have to sleep on mattresses on the floor.
I think they’ll accept that, but feeding them all on our fixed income is the issue. We’re afraid that anywhere we go (restaurants, etc.), we’ll be expected to cover all costs.
Our lovely daughter-in-law is very protective of her parents’ feelings, so we’re afraid to voice our concerns to her, for fear of insulting them.
They’re very well off and used to hosting large family gatherings. Anxious Father
Tell your son directly what you can handle — e.g. the sleeping arrangements — and detail what you’re concerned about.
He knows you’re not affluent, but may not realize the level of expense you’d be facing to reciprocate their generosity.
He must explain the difficulties to his wife, so they can try to work things out with her parents.
She may suggest different solutions (especially since they can well afford a hotel, and split restaurant bills).
Most important is to avoid having them arrive to a situation in which all of you feel uncomfortable.
Tip of the day You can’t know a “good man” from a creep unless you select carefully, not randomly. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays at thestar.com/elliechat. Follow @ellieadvice.