Lifestyle change may bring opportunity

I used to have a corporate job. My wife was in school, we had no kids.

I was in a serious accident and laid up for months.

My wife got a teaching position to help supplement my disability pay. Then, my job was made redundant. And my wife got pregnant.

While I tried to recover and look for work, she got a call for a better teaching position, so we decided together that she’d take it and I’d stay home with the new baby.

It’s eight years later, I’m still at home, our two kids are in school full time, and my wife is now vice-principal.

I’m feeling at a crossroads, worried that I might’ve lost myself in all of this, and may be resenting my wife. Stay-Home Dad

Unless your wife insists you stay home, even now that the kids are in school, there’s nothing to resent.

You made this lifestyle decision together. It’s a natural time for change. And change is always a little unsettling, especially if you doubt your ability to get back to where you were more than eight years ago. But you can make a new decision together about what would work for you.

Perhaps you need a slow re-entry by taking some courses. Maybe some career counselling would help you look afresh at what kind of job to seek.

You have the luxury of time to figure this out, since there’s apparently no financial pressure to find work immediately.

And you’ve had the priceless benefit of having been around your children at their earliest growth stages, and been a huge partner to the success your wife has had in her career.

Many people, me included, would consider you a pretty lucky guy. My mother-in-law was diagnosed with advanced liver/brain cancer six months ago. She’s been at home since, while undergoing treatment.

Her close relatives have been help- ful during long daily visits.

However, my father-in-law refuses to take time off work to care for her.

He recently took an unnecessary weeklong trip, leaving his sister and niece responsible for her.

He’s been stubborn and defensive about his behaviour.

He’s also been sending out emails attacking family members, telling them that he’s doing the best he can. My mother-in-law had been in charge of household finances, cleaning, cooking, etc. Understandably, my FIL has been overwhelmed with these new tasks.

His children have assisted him as well as they can, considering their own family obligations and distance.

Yet he’s refused to change his work hours to overlap with the nurses and family. He’ll often come home after 9 p.m. with his niece waiting to go to her own family.

Others spend up to eight hours as free caregivers, without any thanks.

The whole family’s upset. He refuses all reasonable suggestions.

His coping method is to just leave the house and work.

I hate seeing my husband this upset with his father and it’s putting a strain on our young marriage. Frustrated DIL

You all need each other’s support during this trying time.

The family members who are helping should together discuss realistically what each could handle. Beyond that, your MIL needs the care of trained care providers.

Your MIL’s cancer specialist should be able to direct you to the right agency in your area.

Some community care agencies provide visiting homemaking help and trained nursing aides. Accept that your FIL can’t face or handle any of the care. But since he’s working flat out, he’s responsible for paying outside helpers. Tip of the day Lifestyle changes can be unsettling but also provide great new opportunities. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.