How Shia became a walking punchline
Are you a dead ringer for Shia LaBeouf?
Be careful out there. You might want to buy a goalie mask. Or hire a bodyguard. Maybe expand your social group to include a police sketch artist. You know, just in case a stranger punches you in the face.
Just ask Mario Licato. While exiting a New York subway station this week, the LaBeouf doppelganger was cold-cocked by an unknown assailant. His glasses were shattered. His face was bloodied. Paramedics were called. “I didn’t even see the guy,” Licato told Gothamist. “I just see his fist coming towards me. It knocked me, and while I was falling down the stairs, all I hear was, ‘This is because you look exactly like Shia LaBeouf!’ ”
For the sin of hangdog eyes and a hipster beard, he could’ve been murdered. I suppose there’s a reason “fan” is derived from “fanatic.” Consider the mass outpouring of cray cray exhibited by Beyoncé loyalists who, fuelled by a cryptic lyric about a mysterious side chick in Lemonade, launched a global jihad this week against “Becky with the good hair.”
(If you have no idea what any of that means, can we please be friends?)
The Beyhive — no, really, come over and we can read Albert Camus together — was at least acting in solidarity with their idol Beyoncé. I get that. Over the years, I’ve run afoul of various fan bases — Justin Bieber’s “Beliebers,” Britney Spears’ “Army,” Chris Brown’s “Team Breezy,” Donald Trump’s “Moonbat Nation” — but always understood the outrage was coming from a place of love. These fans believed I had disrespected their idols and, as such, felt compelled to let me know I was an ugly moron with stupid-ass opinions who deserved to be trampled by bison. Fine. Nothing I haven’t heard before from my wife.
But what we have here, with this bizarre assault, is the opposite of unhinged love. It is pure hatred for a celebrity. The man who attacked Licato, who remains at large, loathes LaBeouf with such intensity, he’s injuring look-alikes.
This raises a question: what is Shia LaBeouf doing to incite acts of violence?
Coincidentally, an interview with LaBeouf was published this week in Complex. The magazine is calling it “one of the most unique interviews ever.” Why? LaBeouf, the executive producer of the new film LoveTrue, answers every question in verse.
Q: How, if at all, did this film relate to other projects you take on in film and other mediums? A: “LoveTrue is quite metamodern In that you are watching broken ironic people
Trying to find (and make) meaning.”
Good lord. Now I feel like punching someone in the face.
This is the problem, isn’t it? LaBeouf has become something of a curiosity in Hollywood, largely because he sees himself as an artist more than a celebrity. Nowadays, under the rules of fame, this is like a librarian who sees herself as a DJ.
It’s confusing. And confusion can lead to rage.
LaBeouf was on a leading man trajectory but ejected from the starship and parachuted into the jungles of direction, production and performance art. While he still acts, he also seems to be acting out against acting.
You could argue his entire life is now one big anti-celebrity piece.
LaBeouf turned heads at the Berlin Film Festival in 2014 when his red carpet attire included a paper bag over his head that read, “I am not famous anymore.” Soon after, the paper bag was back when he performed #IAMSORRY, a Los Angeles exhibit in which visitors were encouraged to do something to him with supplied implements.
This perhaps was not terribly wise; LaBeouf later claimed a woman raped him.
Did the man who punched Licato this week know that woman? Probably not. But a team of psychiatrists and criminologists needs to conduct an urgent study to see if LaBeouf’s subsequent metamodern works are turning citizens into monsters.
When someone loves a celebrity, the biggest danger he poses is to himself. When someone hates a celebrity, we are all at risk. That guy who sucker-punched Licato could have missed and hit a bystander who doesn’t look like anyone famous. And what happens if this inspires copycats? If someone who detests Kim Kardashian crosses paths with someone who resembles Kim Kardashian, will 911 light up with reports of slapping, scratching and screaming? Should a person who looks like Michael Strahan live in fear when passing someone in a Kelly Ripa T-shirt?
Maybe it’s not fair to blame LaBeouf for this disturbing trend. But after watching Transformers: Dark of The Moon, I’m blaming him for this and everything that’s wrong in the world. It’s all his fault, all of it.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to tidy up and find my copy of The Stranger. vmenon@thestar.ca