Time alone will help you decide what you need

I’m 45 and have been with my significant other for 18 months. We argued from the start, during his slow, eight-month process of selling his home (co-owned with his ex-girlfriend).

I noticed then that he was a heavy drinker. Later, he moved some things into my apartment. I soon realized that the drinking was worse than I’d thought.

I said it was affecting our relationship deeply.

Nothing changed. I set a timeline to end the relationship and got into therapy.

I also realized that I’d developed feelings for someone else. After a nightmare Christmas party, where he got drunk and embarrassed me before my col- leagues, I ended it. He begged, cried and promised that he’d change.

I told him that I had feelings for someone else and he still begged for another chance. He went to Alcoholics Anonymous. Meanwhile, the other man expressed feelings for me. I ended up staying with my SO for the wrong reasons . . . some feelings for him but no trust.

I lost weight and stopped the breakup only because it was making me sick.

I drifted away from the “other man.”

Several months later, my SO seems to be doing well. But everything about him is different.

Some things aren’t “right” still. I don’t feel we’ve gotten any closer through all this.

We enjoy the same interests. But he’s not good at “sharing.” His three months in AA ended and he never mentioned it to me.

I haven’t gotten back to any physical intimacy; it’s something I don’t want to give anymore. I still miss the “other” man. I’m just seeking some wisdom. What do I really want? Still Together, Still Doubtful

The “wisdom” is within: You need time on your own to define what you need in a relationship.

You rightly gave him a good second chance. But if you feel no desire for intimacy, no closeness, then staying together is pointless.

Your feelings for the other man could be escapist, sparked during difficult times.

You might repeat the mistake of getting together too soon with someone you don’t yet know well.

Focus a while on getting to know yourself better. My 40-something daughter has a successful career, a baby and a husband in Los Angeles.

I’ve had past emotional problems and have suffered marital emotional abuse and other traumas. I’m seeing a psychiatrist for antidepressants and panic disorder.

Previously, I raised two children and held a full-time job as an emergency room nurse.

I visit my daughter periodically and enjoy doing so. But I’ve had a couple of meltdowns while with her. And she believes passionately in psychotherapy.

Currently, my son, his family and seven animals live with me and my mother, who’s 93. It’s exhausting but I manage. Now my daughter’s threatening and blackmailing me that I cannot visit her unless I get counselling for my emotional problems.

I’m not a danger to others. She’s trying to “fix” me before I go out there. This is hurtful and disrespectful. Your thoughts? Heartbroken Mother

A baby and successful career have likely brought out her own anxieties. She’s worried about you for your sake (you do carry a load at home) and for her sake too.

Yes, it’s disrespectful to threaten your visit, but she may feel it’s the only way to convince you that you need more than antidepressants.

She wants you to deal with your own stresses, and that’s not a bad thing.

Panic attacks do need to be addressed or they’ll constrict your life.

Later, tell her there was a kinder way to show her concern. Tip of the day Take time alone to discover what you want/need from a relationship. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.

Your daughter wants you to deal with your stresses. Panic attacks need to be addressed or they’ll constrict your life