Even Deadpool isn’t safe from the Hiddleswift
Fame can’t keep you from being dragged where you don’t want to be. Right, Ryan Reynolds?
Next time my daughters whine about going somewhere, I will pull out The Photo.
“Girls, you see the guy sitting in the middle? That’s Ryan Reynolds. He’s a gifted actor from Canada. He’s rich and famous. You’d think he could go wherever he wants. Now look at his face. Stare into his gloomy eyes. Feel his pain. Sometimes, we have to go places we don’t want to go. That’s life.”
We should all carry The Photo in our wallets. We should stick it to our fridge and send copies to overseas relatives. Root canals, passport renewals, prostate exams, Boxing Day sales, none of these experiences will ever crackle with as much dread after you gaze into that petrified face and behold the true depths of anguish.
I don’t know how or why the sardonic Reynolds was strong-armed into partying with Taylor Swift and her bubbly “squad” this past long weekend. It seems cruel and incongruent, like forcing Justin Trudeau to take a cruise with the Canadian Taxpayers Federation. Or trapping Justin Bieber in a cave with bioethicists.
So my guess is the sequence of events likely started with Reynolds’ wife, Blake Lively, casually mentioning the Fourth of July invitation. Then after Reynolds got off the floor and stopped howling — “Honey, I’d rather spritz my eyeballs with radioactive waste” — he was frogmarched toward a private jet with his palms in the air and a .32 pressed into the back of his skull.
The plane touches down in Rhode Island and Reynolds is forced to give up his independence for Independence Day. He is chucked into the Swiftiverse, a parallel universe in which 97 per cent of all communication is giggling, the dress code is beach, transportation is a water slide, no one is allowed to make direct eye contact with the cats, decorating cookies is a group sport and the security detail will not hesitate to use stun guns on couples that do not partake in the mandatory PDA.
Maggot, you canoodle right this second or we’ll zap you with our T-Swizzle Wands!
Isn’t that exactly what was happening as The Photo was snapped?
In a wicker chair on the left, Swift is sprawled across the lap of her most recent obsession, Tom Hiddleston. Their foreheads are gently touching, like injured doves in a gilded nest. Their eyes are closed with the bliss that comes after unleashing a new couple nickname — Hiddleswift — that sounds like a medieval disease.
Tom’s right arm is coiled around Taylor’s waist. All the fingers on his left hand are wrapped tightly around the stem of a wine glass, as if even inanimate objects might try to escape the treacly clutches of a relationship that is so disgustingly over the top many observers are now convinced it is performance art or a publicity stunt.
The couple on the right, yeah, I have no idea who they are. But they are clearly hypnotized. They have the glassy countenance and Gap catalogue smiles of cult members, which makes perfect sense since Swift’s “squad” is basically the Branch Davidians with platinum Visa cards and fancier appetizers.
Then in the middle, dead centre and dead on the inside, a new hero for our times.
Awkwardly balancing Lively on his lap, looking slightly askew, Reynolds is giving a master class in selfless holiday bravery. He is everyone who has ever spent time with the grating friends of partners with whom they share nothing in common.
Look at that face. Look at it. I’ve seen more hopeful expressions on prisoners of war. Where does Reynolds want to be at that moment in time? Jupiter, Chuck E. Cheese, Trump Air, anywhere but there. If a picture says a thousand words, this one whispers, “What am I doing with my life?” 142.9 times in a row.
Then it self-destructs in a glittery explosion.
But by joining other recent human emojis — Sad Ben Affleck, Hostage Chris Christie, Crying LeBron James — Reynolds has performed a great public service. He taught us no amount of fame can prevent you from getting dragged somewhere you don’t want to be. Sacrifice is universal. He reminded us that the downside of love is when the love of your life loves others you don’t particularly care for.
Ryan Reynolds is a gifted actor. But in that split second, as The Photo was taken, he betrayed his innermost fear. While in dangerous proximity to the snogging horrors of Hiddleswift, with words like “darling” and “Instagram” echoing in the sunshine, his face became our soul.