Packing up and moving on
Make sure your needs will be met, interests served when retiring to a new community
When Rosie Feasby packed up the Pickering home she’d lived in for more than 20 years and moved to Dundas, Ont. in 2008, she admits “it was a bit of an emotional wrench.”
After all, she’d raised her two daughters in the house and built a career as a Montessori daycare provider and piano teacher. “When I walked down the street people would call out my name,” she said. The move meant leaving her friends and her community, as well as her job. “I shed a few tears,” she said.
But for Feasby, 75, the pros of the move outweighed the cons. Relocating to Dundas eliminated the financial pressure of maintaining a home on a limited income after the death of her spouse as Feasby was able to occupy a lovely rental property owned by her daughter and son-inlaw.
Better still, she’d be closer to her daughter and (at that time) only two grandchildren. As for many grandparents, that was a big draw. In a survey by the website grandparents.com, 72 per cent identified being a grandparent as “the single most satisfying thing in their lives.”
About 60 per cent of the grandparents polled already lived close to their grandkids, and 46 per cent of survey participants wanted to live closer.
Still, when grandparents move solely because they want to live near their grandchildren, the process doesn’t always go smoothly, according to Janine Purves, senior financial adviser and retirement specialist with Assante Capital Management Ltd. Purves has had several clients take the leap.
“In two of the cases I know of, they moved back again,” she said.
The problem, contended Purves, is that people sometimes underestimate the adjustment required. For Feasby, for example, giving up the family doctor she’d been seeing for over 20 years proved unthinkable. “I get him and he gets me,” she said. Instead she drives an hour and 20 minutes (on a good day) back to Pickering for her yearly appointment.
Give careful thought to how you currently fill your days and what habits and routines you’re used to, added Purves. “There needs to be more than the grandkids to make that community worth living in,” she said. “If you’re a curler, you might want to make sure there’s a curling club where you’re moving. That would help with the transition and provide a way of connecting with the community and people your age.”
Finally, she suggested, if you haven’t had a close relationship with your adult child in the past, you should recognize that things aren’t likely to change dramatically when those grown children have kids of their own. “Not everybody will be comfortable with having you drop by all the time,” she said. “You have to have the right relationship to start with for that to work.”
To ensure you have a clear picture of what you’re getting into, “walk through your expectations and how you think it’s going to play out for the whole family,” suggested Purves. How much time are you expecting to spend with your grandchildren and what role do you want to play?
“Sometimes the grandparents will step in and help out with daycare,” said Purves.
“That gives them a chance to build a stronger bond.” Still, you should probably discuss the terms of the arrangement before making a move. Otherwise, “grandparents can end up feeling taken advantage of, or al-
“I like to feel we have a special bond.” ROSIE FEASBY ON SPENDING TIME WITH HER GRANDKIDS
ternatively, parents may feel the grandparents are too involved.”
Many grandparents also find that their grandkids have less time for them than they imagined. “They may have established routines that keep them busy, particularly if they’re involved in competitive sports or other activities,” said Purves. “So you end up seeing them once every two weeks or once a month and yet you’ve given up a number of things in your life to do this.”
Indeed, Feasby’s grandchildren, then 5 and 3 years old, went to school during the day and were engaged in after-school activities as well.
Fortunately, she said, “I’m not a clingy person.”
Feasby set about filling her life with admirable determination. She established a routine where the grandkids would come to her once a week for piano lessons and dinner. Their mom would pick them up after. “I still had a chance to see them regularly and watch them grow,” she said. “I like to feel we have a special bond.”
But she also realized she would need more people in her life in order to achieve contentment. So she set about making that happen. “I had a lot of people telling me that as you get older you don’t make friends so easily,” she said. But within a couple of months of moving into her new place, Feasby was gardening when a neighbour called out hello. “As it turns out, we both do gin and tonic,” she said. “She has become a dear friend.”
By April of the following year, Feasby had also become a member of the Anglican Church in town and soon after she joined the choir and began volunteering with Meals on Wheels. “That gave me a new appreciation for my own agility,” she said. In 2009, she attended an organ recital and met Richard, the man who is now her partner.
The two have since relocated away from Dundas. But Feasby credits her initial move with launching her on a new phase of life. “I think you have to weigh the pros and cons before making a move like that,” she said. “And once you make the decision, jump into it. I haven’t looked back since.”