How abusers dominate without violence
Tactics include humiliation, isolation, financial abuse, stalking and gaslighting
Lisa Fontes’s ex-boyfriend never punched her, or pulled her hair. But he hacked into her computer, installed a spy cam in her bedroom and subtly distanced her from her friends and family.
Still, she didn’t think she was a victim of domestic abuse. “I had no way to understand this relationship except it was a bad relationship,” said Fontes, 54, who teaches adult education at the University of Massachusetts, Amherst.
It was only after doing research on emotional abuse that she discovered a name for what she experienced: coercive control, a pattern of behaviour that some people — usually, but not always, men — employ to dominate their partners. Coercive control describes an ongoing and multipronged strategy, with tactics that include manipulation, humiliation, isolation, financial abuse, stalking, gaslighting and sometimes physical or sexual abuse.
“The number of abusive behaviours don’t matter so much as the degree,” said Fontes, the author of Invisible Chains: Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationship. “One woman told me her husband didn’t want her to sleep on her back. She had to pack the shopping cart a certain way, wear her clothes a certain way, wash herself in the shower in a certain order.”
While the term “coercive control” isn’t widely known, the concept of non-physical forms of mistreatment as a kind of domestic abuse is gaining recognition. In May, the hashtag #MaybeHeDoesntHitYou took off on Twitter, with users sharing their own stories.
Last December, England and Wales expanded the definition of domestic abuse to include “coercive and controlling behaviour in an intimate or family relationship,” making it a criminal offence carrying a maximum jail sentence of five years. To date, at least four men have been sentenced under the new law.
“In this approach, many acts that had been treated as low-level misdemeanours or not treated as offences at all are considered as part of a single course of serious criminal conduct,” said Evan Stark, a forensic social worker and professor emeritus at Rutgers University, whose work helped shape the new law in England and Wales.
Stark, the author of Coercive Control, noted that the English law pertains to a course of conduct over time. U.S. law still does not address coercive control; it deals only with episodes of assault and mainly protects women who have been subjected to physical attacks. But in about 20 per cent of domestic violence cases there is no bodily harm, he said.
Coercive control often escalates to spousal physical violence, as a 2010 study in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence found.
“Control is really the issue,” said Connie Beck, a co-author of the study and an associate professor of psychology at the University of Arizona. “If you can control a person’s basic liberties verbally — where they go, who they see, what they do — you do not necessarily have to hit them regularly, but if a person is not complying, then often physical abuse escalates.”
To a victim of coercive control, a threat might be misinterpreted as love, especially in the early stages of a relationship or when one is feeling especially vulnerable.
Fontes, for example, was in her 40s and newly divorced when she met her ex-boyfriend.
He was charming and adoring and though he was a little obsessive, she overlooked it. Never mind that she has a PhD in counselling psychology and specializes in child abuse and violence against women.
“For a person looking for love and romance, it can feel wonderful that someone wants to monopolize your time,” she admitted.
Fontes ultimately left her partner after four years. The decision came after she spent two weeks away from him and realized how diminished she had become. “There were repeated telephone calls and emails every day, but it was such a relief to wake up and go to sleep without having to check in with this other person,” she said. “I recovered a sense of who I was as a separated person, my own opinions, my own perspective.”