Dating shouldn’t just be a numbers game

I’m 28, have a great job in a career I love and people tell me I’m an attractive woman.

I go out a lot and, during the first few times with a guy, I’m usually open-minded, thinking this is a nice person I’ll see again.

But that’s when I get the signal that there’s something wrong. Just two examples: One guy invited me back to see his place, though it was obvious he’s a committed hoarder. And the guy who, after a few dates, seemed creepy . . . like it wouldn’t be surprising to find a human foot in his fridge!

My friends say I always see the good in people.

Is that why it takes at least three dates for me to realize I never want to see these men again?

I actually went out at least once with 25 guys during the course of last year, and am beginning to wonder if I’ll ever find someone to love and trust.

I’m ready for a relationship. Third-Date Alarms

There are so many possibilities here that you can ask of yourself:

Are you dating indiscriminately — i.e. too many people, while knowing too little about them?

(This is common among people who tell themselves, “why not try?” about every “like” from a dating app or dating website.)

Are you not as open-minded as you like to think, and need to be more selective sooner than the third date?

(This is commonly done by asking more questions during first contact and then on the first date in person, if there still is one.)

Are you less ready for a relationship than you think and these seeming red flags (a foot you didn’t see) are your escape hatches?

Or, all of the above are playing a part. My advice? Date less, ask more and be selective. We’ve been together for five months and it’s been wonderful, but for some blips on the way. We’re both 40 and divorced (no kids), so we both really hope this will last.

However, he’s very reluctant to commit so soon and I’m a little insecure about it. The upshot is that we both hold back at times and don’t say what’s on our minds.

Recently, I’d been away for work for a week so we were both eager to get together. But I was exhausted. Rather than tell him, I tried to be loving, sexy, etc. but ended up being moody. He was hurt.

I then said I had to travel a lot and for longer periods and he said he understood, when I’d really just said it because I wanted him to say he’d miss me too much. When he didn’t, I got hurt and we spent a weekend of arguing about petty stuff. Now I feel I tarnished his happy image of our relationship. What do I do? Bad Mood

Stop trying too hard. The relationship is still early and going well — unless you push for what you know he’s not yet ready to give.

Better if you’d been honest, said you needed sleep, promised him a weekend of fun and romance starting the next day, and delivered.

Instead, you created a setup for something to go wrong.

Explain to him that you weren’t honest about your fatigue level. Then drop any mention of what you argued about.

Recognize that the misguided tactic of setting up a situation to manipulate him into saying he loves you and misses you is often selfdefeating.

It can push him away.