The real problem is your marriage, not a lost affair

I was a virgin when I met my husband of three years.

After feeling extremely lonely and unhappy in my marriage, I started a passionate affair with my boss (who’s 19 years older) for 10 months.

It was the best sex I’ve ever had and he made my body do things I didn’t know it could. Emotionally, he fulfilled me completely. We said we loved each other but knew it wouldn’t work out because I want a family and he’s done with babies. He ended up moving on really quickly when another woman came around and he cheated on me.

I can’t stop missing him. I can’t get over him. I feel like I still love him. I can’t get over the sex. It affects my current relationship with my husband.

He never found out, but I feel incredibly guilty and also, I still have to talk to my boss regularly. I cannot easily find another job.

It’s been four months and things haven’t gotten better. I still cry about it. How do I move ahead? Lost Affair

Reality check: Your problem is your marriage, not your lost affair.

Your boss only wanted sex, and he’s found it elsewhere.

Meanwhile, you want to start a family, but not continue to be lonely and unhappy with the man you married.

That’s where your “moving ahead” has to start.

Tell him that you can’t stay together unless you two get marriage counselling and sex therapy, too, if that’s your main problem together.

If he refuses, talk to a lawyer about what’s involved in a divorce. And get counselling yourself.

The way to resolve an unhappy union is NOT to keep seeking passion elsewhere.

It’s putting one foot forward after the other to find the answers to improve your marriage or leave it.

I’m the black sheep in my family and it’s starting to bother me as I await the birth of my first child.

For the past 10 years, my family has consistently favoured my sister.

I went through a divorce and lost my job and asked to move home temporarily, but my parents refused.

My sister, her husband and child have lived with my parents rentfree for the past six years. Our finances are roughly the same.

I live six hours away but my parents make me bring my own cooler with food for myself whenever I visit (two to three times per year for two to three days each time). My mom quit her job to look after my niece. My parents have offered to pay for a portion of a car seat for me. But I feel insulted by this, compared to the support they’ve given my sister.

My partner keeps telling me to focus on our new family, but I can’t help getting upset with how little support they’re giving me. Black Sheep Treatment

Your partner’s providing the support you need most.

Your family’s excluding behaviour obviously relates to stuff from the past. It may change after they see their new grandchild, but there’s no guarantee.

Meanwhile, your sister moved in and the connection with her family’s been cemented. You can’t change that.

They may not be able to afford more than they offered.

Your hurt’s understandable, but dwelling on it is unhealthy for you and your baby. There’s a whole new abundance of love and connection about to come to you with your new family. Then, anything that improves between you and your family will be a bonus.

Tip of the day You can’t resolve an unhappy marriage by mourning your lost, illicit affair. Moving forward requires action. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.