Husband’s chronic pain leaves wife frustrated and curious

My spouse and I have been together for 10 years. At the beginning, we had a very sexual relationship.

We had three children, but still continued to be very sexual with one another. However, for four years my spouse has been suffering a lot of chronic pain throughout his body, so our sex life has become almost non-existent.

I’ve tried the “self-soothing” techniques, but the lack of human connection is really getting to me. My spouse had joked many times about me finding a friend “just for sex,” and I’m seriously considering this.

Knowing that he was joking, I feel like I want to bring it up in a serious conversation and explore this idea. What do I do? Sexually Frustrated

Think it through very well before you end up in a conversation that’s more than you both can handle.

In most “open” or “special-arrangement” marriages — unlike in cases of secretive cheating — there are rules agreed upon by both spouses.

These usually include, “no truelove affairs,” “full disclosure” of the sexual incidents, “never in our home or bed,” etc.

So it’s important to consider ahead what rules you’re willing to follow.

Example: Will you report to your spouse the who-where-what of a sexual encounter?

How do you think you’ll feel about having to make that report? How will he feel hearing it?

Meanwhile, your husband is un- doubtedly being treated for his pain.

Has he or both of you sought medical or sex therapy advice on how to maintain intimacy at least sometimes and/or in different ways?

When “self-soothing,” have you tried including closeness, stroking, even fantasizing aloud, to achieve some human connection during that time?

Or, do you now see having an “outside lover” as a long-term plan?

My point is that what sounds to you like a “solution” may work for awhile, but it could trigger far worse frustration and resentment for both of you.

Talk to a sex therapist yourself for some guidance on this plan before you introduce the talk. In my messy past, I had my first child at 19.

I wasn’t in any position to be a mom, but tried to make the best attempt I could.

I lived two provinces away from all my family and decided to stay with the father. We broke up, and through his cheating and lies, I left for another man. (I cheated as well.)

I was constantly fighting in court for custody of my child, up against the grandmother.

I lost, won, then lost again because she played dirty. I knew nothing about the law or my rights and my lawyer was awful. I returned home to my family without my child — devastated, broken and angry.

I sought counselling and have since had three children, married, and got an education.

I’ve seen my daughter (now 15) three times in 10 years, and clearly see she isn’t happy and wants to be with me. What are my chances of custody if I pursue it?

The father isn’t working, and his wife’s busy looking after her sick mother.

My child’s lived with her grandmother for six years. What To Do? Stay in contact. She benefits from knowing you care and want her. Get legal advice. Your education and experience should give you the confidence and ability to research legal referral services and family court clinics to learn how to make a custody claim.

Even if she has to wait a while, your efforts will be a support for her.