Sharing Rex ex with the
Some former couples have found working solutions to sharing pets
As Tiana Leonty and Jarret Wright’s relationship was ending their biggest concern was “What do we do with Rex?”
The 33-kilogram German shepherd mix was a handful. Almost five years old and racked with separation anxiety, a condition they expected would only be aggravated by losing a “parent” in a leash tug of war.
They bought him together, trained him together, and adored him together.
“We both loved Rex right away,” says Leonty, who, like Wright, grew up with a dog.
Rex came into their lives in 2015 as a three-year-old rescue. The Toronto-based actors, who had been living together for two years, broke up just four months after getting the dog and faced the question of what to do with Rex.
“I could not take him from Jarret. It would break my heart,” Leonty says. “I would sooner give Rex to him.” Wright too couldn’t part with Rex or take him from Leonty, so the ex-couple decided to “co-parent” instead.
This arrangement could become more commonplace as millennials are opting to adopt pets rather than have babies as they delay marriage and home ownership, according to American research firm Mintel.
Breakups involving pets don’t always end this well. A judge in Saskatchewan recently rebuked a childless couple in family court over an application to determine where two of their dogs would stay while the divorce is finalized.
The wife asked that the case be treated with a “custody approach” as with kids in a divorce, but the judge decided a “dogs are property” approach was best. To go the custody route would be the same as allowing a custody fight over “family butter knives.” In a 15-page decision, the judge recommended the dogs stay with the wife’s parents in the interim.
“In Canada, we tend not to purchase our children from breeders,” wrote Justice Richard Danyliuk, noting that, while “there is a distinction between animals and inanimate objects, it is also true that both are property and are not dealt with under child custody principles.”
At the Toronto Centre for Canine Education, Caryn Liles has counselled clients during pet custody negotiations. She isn’t a trained mediator, but she has successfully co-parented a three-legged German shepherd-husky mix with an ex for 10 years. The dog, Parker, died last year at the age of 14.
“He was a really sensitive dog in a lot of ways, but really bombproof in others. He was comfortable going back and forth; he didn’t feel uprooted every time,” says Liles, who lived a 20-minute streetcar ride from her ex when they shared Parker.
“We both didn’t want to give him up, so we thought we would do this and see how this works. It’s like sharing a kid.” JARRETT WRIGHT
They didn’t have a set one-weekon/one-week-off arrangement, but preferred to be more flexible in their sharing of duties. At one point, they lived in the same building to make shared custody easier. Liles often suggests a “trial period” where the “co-parents” try shared custody for a couple of months and then reassess.
“If the dog is experiencing behaviour challenges like reactivity or aggression or general anxiety or separation anxiety shared custody — the back and forth, the uprooting — can be really traumatic for them,” she says.
That’s what made Leonty nervous about co-parenting Rex with Wright, who was more adamant than she that they try joint custody.
“I was worried about Rex because he’s a rehab dog and the ideal situation is for the dog to have one owner,” Leonty says, repeating the advice of multiple dog trainers. But ultimately, they decided they’d need each other’s support in caring for the energetic Rex.
“We both didn’t want to give him up, so we thought we would do this and see how this works,” Wright says. “It’s like sharing a kid.”
They moved from their home near St. Clair Ave. and Yonge St. to an East York neighbourhood just three blocks apart to make the swapping easy. They didn’t draw up any “custody” papers, but soon developed a flexible “3-4/4-3” system: she has Rex for three days; he gets Rex for four, then she for four and so on. After one year of co-parenting, despite Wright relocating near Fort York in the summer, the arrangement has been a success.
When sharing doesn’t work, some people get litigious. That often gains media attention, but disputes over animals rarely make it before a judge, says Mike Saini, University of Toronto social work professor and custody evaluator for the Office of the Children’s Lawyer.
“Most people can resolve their disputes without the courts,” he says.
“Family courts are already overtaxed by too many cases. I would rather see these cases be triaged in a different way.”
If taken to litigation, disputes typically end in a Kramer vs. Kramer “win-lose” manner. Resolution outside the courts that involve the education of pet owners as to what is in the best interest of the dog could be a reasonable alternative.
Animal lawyer Suzana Gartner, who mediates breeder disputes, wrongful death or injury, dog bites and “dangerous dog” appeals, dis- suades clients from going the familycourt road and suggests small claims court might be a good alternative. Gartner will bring a dog custody quarrel (the dog is considered a possession) to small claims court next month if the dispute isn’t resolved during a period of “mandatory mediation” imposed by the court.
“I believe our pets are more than property,” says Gartner, who thinks it’s “just a matter of time” before pets are regarded as “sentient beings” under Canadian law. She points to Quebec, where animals are no longer considered property after the December 2015 passing of Bill 54, called An Act to improve the legal situation of animals.
Gartner recommends couples formulate some kind of “pet pre-nuptial” agreement and a post-breakup “pet co-ownership agreement” to avoid mediation.
Rex’s “parents,” Leonty and Wright, aren’t thinking about paperwork. After a year of sharing Rex, they’ve passed the “trial period” and are content with the solution. It helps that the ex-couple plan to remain friends.
“If a partner comes into the mix, they have to accept the arrangement and the dog,” Wright says.
“Beyond that, they have to accept who my friends are and my ex is one of my closest friends.”