Friend’s complaints getting hard to handle

My friend of 15 years likes to complain.

She had a couple of difficult years (infertility, struggle with depression, her husband works long hours, etc.).

She’s a lot better off financially than me and our other friends, and still has always been a complainer.

Now, things are going well — she has the long-awaited baby. Still, she complains a lot.

I’m sympathetic to some stuff — being at home with a new baby is difficult (I don’t have one, but I can empathize). But some ridiculous complaints are getting to me.

Example: About having to fly coach to her five-star vacation instead of business class, or about homes in her high-end house search that aren’t absolutely perfect. How can I stay sympathetic and support her, but also help her put things in perspective? It’s hard to not lose it at someone who’s complaining over something to which I’d love to have access. Fed Up

Chronic complainers are annoying. Fortunately, you’re a long-time friend who was empathetic during her tough times.

But you’re now letting some (natural) envy cloud your judgment.

She “struggles with depression” and is on her own a lot. Those issues don’t get easier when adjusting to new motherhood.

Infertility treatment and hormone reactions may still be affecting her moods.

Separate out the ridiculous stuff from your friendship. Gently say that her “good-life” complaints don’t warrant discussion and they interfere with being good support for each other on things that really count.

For 20 years, my common-law partner has behaved like Scrooge at Christmas. He isn’t big on gifts, which I can accept, but this Christmas he stayed in the basement throughout dinner.

The kids didn’t know what to make of this. When it came time to open gifts, he was absent. I left his gifts under the tree and when the children and grandchildren had left, I brought them to him.

He refused to open them, saying there’s nothing he needs.

I’d bought him a watch he’s been wanting for a long time, so I was annoyed. It took me months to save the money to buy it. On Christmas Day, he’d left three gifts for me under the tree. But I was very hurt by his behaviour the night before and never opened them. He keeps bugging me to open them, but I don’t feel that I can accept them. I returned his watch, opened his gifts from other people, and put them away in his closet. Am I wrong to feel this way — that he ruined Christmas for his family? Still Hurt

He did ruin the Christmas celebration, intentionally. The important question is, why?

Also, if he’s been Scrooge-like for 20 years, the next question is: Why has this gone on so long without you already knowing why and what to expect?

You two need to talk this out. It’s not about the watch, though I un- derstand your hurt feelings. This is about your life together and as a family.

Though he’s apparently been a Grinch in the past, it seems he went to an extreme by not joining the children and grandchildren for a holiday dinner, putting a damper on their festivities.

Perhaps he has some strong reasons for all this from the past. Or something’s made him more negative than ever before.

You need to clear the air. It may require help from someone else — his doctor, or a counsellor — to help you find out and try to accept the answer, if possible.

Chronic complainers are annoying, but you’re now letting some (natural) envy cloud your judgment of her situation

Tip of the day With a chronic complainer, respond to the issues on which you can be supportive and sidestep the nonsense. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.