Kids tune into adult body talk
Research suggests conversations about size and shape can be harmful to even very young children
As if getting the kids dressed and out the door weren’t enough of an ordeal, suddenly my 3-year-old flat-out refuses to wear anything smaller than a 3T.
“Hang on!” she says, raising a hand as I bring an outfit toward her. “Let me see the tag.” She inspects the clothing and furrows her brow. “This says TWO!” The clothing is rejected and a fight ensues.
Isla is average height, but narrow, and easily fits into 24-month and 2T pants. Anything bigger falls right off her.
A few months ago, I started cutting the tags off her non-3T clothes, an act that fills me with guilt because it’s something I do to my own clothing if the size makes me feel bad about my body. To think my preschooler might be self-conscious about her own size makes me profoundly sad. But the truth is, she is self-conscious. And I think it’s my fault.
Recently I made a big deal of my 15-month-old for graduating out of her 18-month clothing.
“I think you’ve officially moved up to 24 months! Good growing!” I praised Polly, as if her bigness somehow made her healthier or better than Isla’s petiteness.
Isla was sitting on the couch nearby. “Good growing BOTH of you!” I said, trying to back myself out of the hole I had just dug. But of course it was too late.
We’ve been socialized since our own childhoods to tell kids how much they’ve grown, framing this as praise rather than neutral observation. But in a world where everyone is meant to strive toward the ideal body, we don’t realize conversations about size and shape can be harmful to kids even as young as mine.
“We used to think . . . body image issues and social comparisons (were) developmentally discovered in the early teenager years,” says Catherine Sabiston, a professor in the faculty of kinesiology and physical education at the University of Toronto.
But Sabiston, who also holds a Canada Research Chair in physical activity and mental health, says social comparisons, including those around body shape, are happening in very young children. In many cases, it stems from hearing parents talk, and it can set kids up to become self-conscious at a very young age.
“We know that any conversation parents have, especially if it’s about the child, their ears tune in immediately,” says Sabiston. “They are listening to every word you say.”
And if kids hear adults discussing body shapes and sizes, they start to copy those behaviours and engage in similar conversations with friends.
Toronto mom Alex Ashton says she’s also guilty of comparing her 2-year-old son and 4-year-old daughter.
“They can share clothes, which really annoys (my daughter),” Ashton says. “They also get mistaken for twins now and then. We’ve stopped comparing them and try to focus on how big her spirit is as opposed to her size.”
Ashton says her daughter has become particularly conscious of her size since starting kindergarten.
“She is the smallest in her class and has told me kids have asked her if she’s a baby and that sometimes other kids won’t let her play games with them because she is too little.”
“She’s always asking me when she will get bigger like the rest of the kids and I can see it affecting her self-esteem.”
Toronto mom Jacquie Ott has a 15month-old son who is big for his age, while her 3-year-old son is on the smaller size. She says she’s tired of people comparing her kids.
“People — one in particular — always feel the need to point it out and compare my eldest son to other kids who are the same size or bigger than him,” she says. “I’m so afraid he will be self-conscious.”
Sabiston says it doesn’t matter if kids are small or big, short or tall for their age — if they know they fall outside of “average,” they’re not going to like it.
“(They) don’t want to stand out,” she explains. “They want to fly under the radar.”
She says the best thing parents can do to promote a positive body image for kids is simply to try not talking about it.
“Parents are the main predictor of the way that your children will feel and see themselves. Starting these discussions around (body) comparisons early leads them to be more socially comparative around the media and TV.”
“We can’t protect kids from comparisons forever, but limit the conversation as much as possible,” she says.
“And if comparisons are done, make it in a more balanced way, so it’s not just ‘look how tall so and so is,’ it’s ‘don’t you guys both look like you’re growing?’ So you incorporate the group of children together as a unit and are addressing the unit rather than isolating the children.”
I’ve started making a concerted effort to stop isolating Isla in any way, especially when it comes to how she looks. I don’t make note of her size or shape out loud or even in my head because it doesn’t matter. The sizes on her clothing tags don’t define her, any more than mine do.
It doesn’t matter if kids are small or big, short or tall for their age — if they know they fall outside of “average,” they’re not going to like it