THE HIRING-SEARCH APPROACH TO LOVE
Father-daughter co-authors’ highly rational view of romance includes making a list and checking it twice
Michael and Sarah Bennett are not here to make you feel good. That’s for another book by different authors.
The father-daughter writing duo — not a married couple, as they’ve had to stress on press tours — have published their latest witty, profanity laden self-help book F--- Love, a follow-up to 2015’s F--Feelings, which navigated all varieties of relationships. This time, the book is all about romance, but not the fairytale kind.
“Is it a book that tells you how to find your true love? Um, no,” says Michael, a psychologist who has been married for more than 40 years to comedy writer Sarah’s mother, Mona.
The pair spoke with the Star about how The Bachelor franchise could tweak its formula and why the eight most desired traits — charisma, beauty, chemistry, communication, a sense of humour, a good family, intelligence and wealth — should be approached as if part of a hiring process.
You’re not really saying to “f--- love” or ignore love, are you?
SB: When we say “f--- love” we’re not saying everyone should be married in a mass ceremony done by a cult leader without any emotional connection whatsoever.
MB: We’re saying don’t glorify it. It’s a wonderful feeling. You can’t live without it, but it can also blind you so terribly and lead you into so much trouble. You’ve got work to do.
Are you both in lasting romantic relationships?
SB: I am a single person, but I see myself as an en- dorsement of the book because I’m a content single person. A lot of this book is actually about how you should think about how marriage really isn’t for everyone. You have to learn to be comfortable by yourself or that driving loneliness will press you to make bad decisions.
You outline eight traits from charisma to chemistry. Do they all have to be there for a successful relationship?
SB: We don’t necessarily think they have to be there, but these are the things people look for most frequently. What we’re trying to get readers to do is not assume they’re all positive or negative qualities. With charisma, if you don’t have a spark with someone, then it’s not going to work. But you have to be wary of someone who sparks with everybody, who might make you feel very special, but is making everybody feel very special, and eventually is going to make you feel cheated if you’re not careful.
Chemistry is a big one that is difficult to define.
SB: But it is the most dangerous. MB: The most dangerous. The people who spark the strongest chemistry are often the crazies. I don’t mean that as a psychiatric illness, but the people who are most intense and un-centered emotionally.
How do you assess that early on?
SB: There are women, and men too, that are sometimes literally crazy, borderline or manic. They will come up to men, straddle them and say “You’re the man of my dreams, let’s get out of here, steal a car and hold up a liquor store.” It’s very exciting, but the next day, the same person, because she’s not very balanced, could say, “I’ve changed my mind, you’re the devil and now I’m stabbing you in your sleep.” That’s an extreme example, but intensity is very attractive.
MB: We’re suggesting that you protect yourself by trying to develop a structure, listing the qualities you’re looking for. Make sure you gather facts.
The sort of things you do in business when you do a search committee: you write a job description, you list the qualities you’re looking for, and stick to questions and fact gathering before you commit yourself. The same thing helps a lot in personal relationships.
What do you think of The Bachelor franchise?
MB: I’ve stayed away from it. That type of thing confirms we have a very strong attraction to soap opera-type feelings. It’s dangerous if you mix it with serious courtship. What you’re going to get is great for TV viewers, but that’s the kind of thing that is torture for people.
SB: If there was a show like The Bachelor that chose more normal people and the dates included things like nursing each other through food poisoning or taking care of a sick relative or travelling a long distance in a car without air conditioning — those are the real tests of a relationship.
Is there someone to blame for our inability to figure this love thing out?
MB: There’s certainly a lot in the culture. Our own desire to be excited and entertained leads us in the wrong direction. On the other hand, the ideas in this book are hardly new.
It’s an age-old thing that we all fight as individuals and as a culture.
There are a lot of things that sweep us off our feet and we’re trying to remember or learn what’s important and put it into action.