This fashion trend deserves to be the butt of a bad joke
Got enough money to spare $2,489? You can buy jeans that unzip to expose your derrière
To be fashion-forward this spring, expose your backside.
This is not my suggestion. Lord, no. It comes from a Paris label, Vetements, which in recent years has been described as “subversive” and “the antifashion brand.” Vetements is now selling a pair of jeans that costs more than a 60-inch LED smart TV and is aimed at . . . at . . . at . . . yeah, I’m not sure who these jeans are aimed at.
People prone to mooning? People who want the seat of their pants to function like a Mustang convertible? People afflicted with a hospital gown fetish? What I do know is there are things in this world worth fighting for, including the right to venture forth in public without the terrifying prospect of coming eyeballs-to-buttocks with a total stranger.
But this right is now in jeopardy if these Euro exhibitionists, in partnership with Levi’s, unleash what future historians will one day call The Great RumpRising of ’17.
Vetements promoted its apocalyptic garment on Instagram this week and quickly earned headlines such as “You Can Now Show Off Your Bare Butt in Jeans Thanks to Vetements” and “Okay, This Denim Trend Has Officially Gone Too Far.”
Yes, apparently this outbreak of gluteal display is a trend, buttressed by celebrities like Kylie Jenner and backfilled by product lines such as Re/Done’s classy sounding “Highrise Ass Rip” and YouTube instructional videos in which giddy youngsters mutilate denim with squeals of delight and fabric scissors.
“Hey, guys, so just cut away at the back. Cut, cut, cut!” No, guys, no, no, no! When you think about it, the history of denim is basically a story of abuse.
Consider the ways denim has been tortured — soaked in acid, blasted by sand, pounded by stone, bleached, frayed, gouged, patched, burned, shrunk, creased, distressed, tasselled, bulldozed, mountaindropped, pocked, scraped, shredded — and it was only a matter of time until someone got tired of vandalizing knees and decided to literally give the bum rush to bums.
But this denim assault by Vetements is on a different level, way beyond the horizontal, just-belowthe-cheek slashing of amateurs. These professional freaks have installed a vertical zipper into the, ahem, crack region. Reach around, tug and, voilà, your derrière is liberated and now free to disgust patrons in line behind you at Starbucks.
There are zippers that run down the front of thighs and zippers that partition calves. There are zippers that serve no anatomical purpose at all. There are so many zippers that wearing these Frankentrousers will create the ghoulish illusion you are coming to that party on Saturday night from your own autopsy.
When I was a teenager, a pair of ripped jeans symbolized one of two things: 1. You were cool. 2. You were poor. By contrast, the fashion statement made by these Vetements jeans roughly translates into: “I’m so loaded, why don’t you peasants just stare at my bare ass?”
I fell out of my chair and split my pants after finding a link for these jeans on ShopStyle.ca. What? This peek-a-boo rear privilege costs . . . $2,489? You could get an artificial leg for less, which you may end up needing after your trendy backflap gets caught in a subway door and nobody notices in time because everybody was too busy trying not to make eye contact with your posterior.
Come over and for 50 bucks I’ll cut the hindquarters out of all your pants. And you know what? Vetements must figure you’ll have no money left and, therefore, no reason to carry a wallet. That must be why they removed the back pockets. So if you absolutely must carry valuables on your person, constrict the ankle cuffs and drop your keys or phone into the rear portal. You might also consider changing your ringtone to, “Baby Got Back” and launching a GoFundMe page so you can raise money to buy new friends.
Or maybe, and here’s a crazy idea, maybe just do your part for civilization and take a stand for the traditional practice of concealing your fanny in public. Do you really want to be responsible for pedestrians smashing into lampposts or colleagues laughing uncontrollably when you exit the next meeting?
When does expressing yourself impinge on the freedom of others who are now suddenly forced to shield the eyes of their small children or avoid escalators and park benches and ice cream trucks in your presence?
When does your bottom rise to the level of public menace?
The social justice warriors are always prattling on about the need for greater body acceptance. But this backside trend reveals an upside to shame: People who bottle up self-conscious feelings are less likely to let it all hang out.
With the looming threat of bums here, there and everywhere this summer, we’ll need more of these people. Down with the rump rising. vmenon@thestar.ca