Future sister-in-law interfering with the wedding

I’ve been engaged for more than a year but due to in-law problems, we delayed wedding planning.

We’ve lived together at my condo for two years because of his schooling. He graduated and is currently working. I’m in my 30s, and working in a hospital. The original plan when he was single was to take care of his mother, 70, for the rest of her life.

She’s currently living with his sister and her boyfriend.

Last year, his divorced sister suggested we live together and have kids without marrying.

We are all Asian. His sister married her ex-husband during her mid-20s and her mom paid for the wedding.

When they divorced, she lost money on the condo that her mom had bought for her.

His sister asked me bluntly, why don’t I pay for the whole wedding? I shockingly reacted, NO! Meanwhile, my fiancé said nothing.

He protects her and says that’s how she is, he’s used to it.

She said the only good thing is that I’m Asian so that our families can communicate.

In my culture, traditionally, the groom’s side pays for the wedding and is supposed to pay the bride-price (dowry) to the bride’s family.

I’ve told my parents about his sister’s comment. They’ve been ranting to extended family, friends and coworkers.

The sister’s been living with her current boyfriend, who’s the same age as me, with no plans to have children or marry. I don’t know how to deal with her and my gut is giving me second thoughts as to what I could be getting into. Wary of Future SIL You need a double-whammy approach to her: 1) Your fiancé tells her that you two don’t agree with her way of thinking; 2) You try to be respectful but avoid such conversations by changing the topic, or saying she already knows that you and her brother think differently.

This plan only works IF you and your fiancé can agree on which traditions you intend to follow, and which ones you don’t.

Also, there’ll likely be interference in your wedding and other plans if his mother is as outspoken and rigidly-opinionated as his sister.

So the conversation between you and him is essential. It’s not about who’s right, but about what you each believe is necessary in your life, and which things you can compromise on.

Last year, I was with a guy I really liked. Loving him was great.

We split after a while because a lot was going on in both of our lives. Recently, I realized that I still love him. My friends all know this, and I think he does too, as we hang out with a lot of the same people and still talk occasionally. There are signs that he still likes me too, but maybe I’m just hoping for something that’ll never happen.

I don’t want to come out and tell him that I still have feelings and learn that he doesn’t feel the same. Am I chasing after something with false hope? Or should I just let him know? Uncertain Mind

What’s to lose? By saying nothing, you have no relationship. By saying something, you open a door to possibility.

But first make sure from mutual friends that he’s not already attached. Then, if possible, ask if they know for sure whether he’s not interested or feels you dumped him.

Then speak up. Say that you still have feelings for him and hope he feels the same way, but would rather know for sure if he doesn’t.

It’s not about who’s right, but about what you each believe is necessary in your life

Tip of the day Confront intense family interference with a united front, or it’ll tear you apart. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.