Skip Baywatch and find a beach
Ever sat in a wet bathing suit for a prolonged period? It’s uncomfortable.
Sitting through Baywatch feels like that.
Other than some slo-mo self-parody, the film discards any real connection to the titillatingly cheesy television series that inspired it.
Words you can’t say in prime time are lobbed frequently and jokes based on male nether parts are extended to excruciating effect.
Director Seth Gordon seems to have decided to go full gonzo — as in outrageous and tasteless — and the result is an ideal movie for immature, socially maladjusted males and their long-suffering girlfriends.
The plot is equal parts slight and ludicrous. Head lifeguard Mitch Buchannon wants to bust a drug ring operated by Victoria Leeds (Priyanka Chopra), the owner of an adjacent resort, to save the unspecified “bay” he keeps watch over.
(Yes, many, many remind him that he’s only a lifeguard, to little avail.)
Mitch is also dealing with a new recruit, Matt Brody, a former Olympic medallist who’s fallen on hard times due to a major blunder involving vomit in the pool during a relay race. Spinning this into nearly two hours may seem like an impossible task. (Having to watch it nearly is.)
Gordon achieves this dubious task with scenes that take far too long and plotting that makes strange bedfellows of absurdity and tedium.
Dwayne Johnson usually brings a nice natural screen presence to every role, but he’s not particularly appealing here as Mitch. That’s probably because every word out of his mouth makes one shake one’s head in sad wonder.
Co-star Zac Efron as Matt is just plain bad. While he may look good in swim trunks and gets the insolent bad-boy stuff just right, his comic timing is way off.
Kudos to the screenwriters for including a non-buff male character, but Jon Bass as Ronnie, the intended comic relief, is all awkwardness and no laughs. Cameo appearances by former Baywatch series stars David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson feel like an act of desperation, pathetic but mercifully brief.
Give this one a pass and spend a day at the beach instead. Even sand in your shorts would be less annoying.