Old friend will be angry if reader moves to her town
My husband and I are retiring and plan on selling our Scarborough home and buying in a small town. I really like Collingwood, Ont. Unfortunately a former friend lives there and would be furious if we moved into “her town.” She is bipolar, and for 30 years I supported her in many ways. But she is a difficult person who refuses to admit she has mental-health issues or take her meds. Finally, with an aging mum, a sick husband and other challenges, I got overwhelmed and told her I could no longer provide the kind of support she needed. She was furious and cut me off. I’m done. But my ethical dilemma is that she lives in the town I’ve fallen in love with. Am I wrong to move there when I know she will be so angry?
Good grief. For a very long time, you did everything possible for your needful friend; you deserve heartfelt thanks. Unfortunately, your friend doesn’t see it that way. Instead, as often happens in such situations, your friend came to believe that she owned you, and had a right to every ounce of time, energy and even money you could provide.
It’s easy to blame her “mentalhealth issues” for that attitude, but lots of bipolar people are generous, kind and thoughtful; your friend, sadly, isn’t among them.
So when you reclaimed control of your own life to care for those around you, her selfishness erupted into rage.
But she doesn’t own you, and she doesn’t own Collingwood either. You have every right to move there if that seems right for you. Yup, she’ll likely explode. But from a strictly ethical point of view, that’s her problem, not yours; she’s cut you off, and her eruptions are not your responsibility.
Unfortunately, however, having the right to do something doesn’t always make it the wisest decision.
I live in a slightly smaller version of Collingwood, right down to having Georgian Bay on our doorstep. It’s wonderful in many ways. But one thing I’ve learned is that in communities like this, everyone is connected to everyone else, in one way or another.
Do you really want to move to a town where this angry, bitter, yet well-established person will be badmouthing you, glaring at you on the street, lurking in the grocery store or church?
There are lots of lovely towns in Ontario. Take a trip to Bracebridge. Wander around Port Hope. Stop in on Gananoque. Or, if you want a really provincial town that’s out at the end of the road to nowhere, you could try Ottawa.
This is an ethics column, and from that point of view you have absolutely every right to move to Collingwood if you choose. But among all the charming communities in this province, only one has an angry, selfish resident waiting to make your life a misery. So ask yourself this: at my stage of life, do I really want to put up with that nonsense? Send your questions to star.ethics@yahoo.ca