Man can’t stomach seeing his wife’s ex-lover

Acouple of years ago, I caught my wife having an affair. We went through counselling and have a renewed commitment to our marriage.

She had the affair with her brother’s longtime friend. (I believe they’d hooked up back in high school.)

Only a few people outside of the two couples involved know about the affair. We haven’t told anyone and none of our family or friends have said anything. However, we had to make some changes in our life that people have questioned. The biggest one was giving up our longtime country club membership (he’s a member, as well). This cost us some friendships, which I miss. Some family weddings are up- coming (my wife’s nieces and nephews). I’m worried that this man will be invited to the weddings.

I’ve made changes to my life so that I wouldn’t have to see him and again experience the anger and other feelings that that will bring.

I’ve decided that if he shows up, I’ll leave. But I worry about the fallout with my wife. Yet I can’t be in the same room as him and not lose it. Feeling Alone

You’re not alone. Your wife and you both made a commitment to make essential changes to make your marriage work and stay together.

For that purpose, you both have a right to make understandable requests: 1) She can ask her brother (if he’s aware of the affair) not to invite his friend because his sister’s marriage is more important.

2) If her brother feels he can’t do that, you have a right to tell your wife you can’t stomach seeing the guy and so you can’t attend. You’ll need some excuse that won’t cause others’ speculation.

The weddings involve her close family, so she likely feels she has to go. Try to accept this.

I’d like to be able to add another choice — that you both attend the events together and ignore that man, showing confidence that your marriage is intact and solid.

After only two years that may be asking too much.

Hopefully that time will come. My wife of 30-plus years and I have been adding a fictitious third-party (male) to our sexual adventures.

In each fantasy, it’s someone she knows or works with, or men whom I know. It really spices things up for both of us with mind-blowing results.

Now, I can’t get the thought of real threesomes out of my head and I’d like to add a secret (but known) friend to a session to see if my wife enjoys it.

She likes mild bondage, blindfolds and toys, and is game for naughty stuff, but I’m unsure how she’d handle discovering someone she knows participating while she’s blindfolded and tied to our bed.

I’d never hurt her feelings or go against her wishes, but this is driving me crazy. Beyond Fantasy

Here’s what’s “crazy” — having someone she knows be a surprise participant in bondage and sex play, without her consent!

There’s a huge difference between being blindfolded and talking out a fantasy turn-on, and being midfornication and suddenly seeing an unexpected co-conspirator along with your partner.

I’m all for mutually consensual sex that causes no harm/danger and doesn’t involve children. But there’s no consent here . . . just a self-serving scheme to heighten your own lust.

What’s truly “mind-blowing” is the disrespect it shows your wife of 30-plus years.

Ask her, if you must. And make sure she knows exactly what you mean. Then make sure all three of you agree on boundaries.

I’ve made changes to my life so that I wouldn’t have to see him and again experience the anger and other feelings that will bring

Tip of the day To stay together after an affair, the commitment has to be boosted repeatedly. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.