PARENTING WISDOM OF THE ANIMAL WORLD
An animal behaviour researcher says we’re overlooking how much biology factors into family dynamics, and that there’s great comfort to be found in the parenting experiences we share with other species
There’s a whole lot of insight into the complex job of raising kids that’s just waiting for us in the animal world — if only we’d get off our high horses and realize that we’re animals ourselves.
That’s just part of the message that evolutionary biologist Jennifer Verdolin, an expert in the social and mating behaviours of animals, explores in her new book Raised by Animals: The Surprising New Science of Animal Family Dynamics.
I recently caught up with the Oxford, Ohio-based scholar. Here’s a little of what she had to say. What drew you to this area of study?
Since I was a child I was really attracted to animals and I wanted to work with them in some form or another. It really didn’t start to take shape into science and research until I was in my mid-20s when I volunteered for a sanctuary called the Center for Great Apes. It was there that I really became fascinated by individuals and the differences in their behaviour from one another, but also their similarities to ourselves. You wrote that as human beings we have enormous capacity for selfreflection and yet few of us explore the biological basis for behaviour, which can transform our experience as parents. Why do you think we overlook biology, and how could we benefit if that weren’t the case?
One reason might be that we seem to forget that we are animals.
We may have a lot of really special and unique qualities, but we also don’t have the same qualities that a squirrel has. I know I can’t leap from one branch to another successfully. Our talents and abilities have been shaped by our evolutionary history, but we also share that history with every single living creature — whether it’s sea turtles or pilot whales or dragonflies — in a variety of ways.
If we can place our behaviours in this broader context, we can tap into some solutions and strategies that might make more sense. If we look and see that there’s another species that has a very co-operative society — that raises their offspring collectively and their offspring do really well — and we say that we want to raise children that are happy, successful, empathetic and co-operative, then we can ask ourselves, “Are we following those same strategies, and would they make sense for us?” You mention that there is this inherent conflict between meeting our needs and the needs of our children from a biological point of view? Can you elaborate?
We have this saying that you never really understand how children change your life until you have them. We underestimate just how much energy, time, patience and effort it really takes to raise our children the way that we want to raise them.
There is an inherent conflict: offspring want everything they can get all the time and parents want to give as much as they can without, as a friend of mine said when his son was born, “I think he’s trying to kill me.” And he wasn’t being literal but from an energy perspective, it’s exhausting. As humans, sometimes we experience a lot of guilt about the fact that we just are tired and we don’t want to give as much as our child might want in that particular moment.
Understanding that there is this balance between what our children want and what we’re able to give is incredibly helpful. And this happens in other species as well. What’s an example of that?
Offspring, for example, will throw temper tantrums, usually around nursing and when mothers are wanting to stop nursing their offspring.
That’s a prime opportunity for their child to be demanding that it wants access to this resource that the mother no longer wants to provide. And there’s a conflict there because the mother is trying to conserve and rebuild her energy stores.
Understanding that conflict can give us more patience and compassion for ourselves as parents when we are feeling resentful, or we’re feeling tired. Today parents are very child-focused and we can get overwrought about the most basic of parenting decisions. Why is that perhaps not the most natural approach from a biological point of view? Over-giving, in some sense, and creating your world around your children is a bit out of the natural order of things, even for many other cultures around the world.
Historically as humans, children were brought into the organizational structure of the community and the family and they are not necessarily the sole focus.
This can set up a problem, especially when you start to have multiple children, because if it’s very hard for parents to maintain that level of energy and focus as you start adding children to the group.
Focus, instead, on creating a more co-operative unit where the family is the unit and everybody has a part to play in that and everybody contributes.
The other thing that does is that it can help preserve the relationship between the parents.
Prairie voles are a great example. They cuddle, and there’s a lot of affection between the mom and the father that doesn’t stop once the offspring come into the picture.
So I think that having a more balanced view of what that family unit is can help keep parents ensured that they’re still maintaining their relationship, because that’s what forms the foundation of the family in the first place. What do you most hope people will get out of reading the book?
First, animals, for me — and I hope for others — are a great segue into some difficult conversations.
If you can talk about pregnancy in male sea horses or sibling rivalry in sharks, this can give a good transition to discussing sensitive parenting topics, because you’re one step removed.
Second, I really want people to have a better perspective about where we are in the grand scheme of things with other species and see these similarities and differences between us as a way to feel more connected to other animals, to our families and to our fellow human beings.
And then to use some of their strategies to improve our lives, improve our relationships and improve our families. Brandie Weikle is a parenting expert and the host of The New Family podcast and editor of thenewfamily.com
“We underestimate just how much energy, time, patience and effort it really takes to raise our children the way that we want to raise them.” JENNIFER VERDOLIN EVOLUTIONARY BIOLOGIST