Fiancé’s behaviour giving woman doubts

When I started a new job in April 2016, I met a man there. We don’t work in the same department, but on opposite sides of the same building.

Last August we started dating; everything seemed OK. Then I discovered he’d been seeing another woman in the office. She sat on the other side of his cubicle. He said they were not in a “relationship” but they were just hanging out, which means they were being intimate.

He broke it off with her last July. I think there was more to it because she was very upset and didn’t come to work for a week.

He told me he doesn’t deal with her anymore and doesn’t have anything to do with her. But she was very upset at him. She’s approached me a couple of times to assure me that she didn’t want anything to be awkward between us. I told her it wouldn’t be because what they had together happened before me.

But I keep hearing office gossip because this woman is still feeling very hurt. She and my boyfriend even got into an argument at work. He said that she told him she was pregnant and that she had an abortion.

The gossip I’m hearing is that he lied to her about why they were breaking up, and he started to act like he didn’t know her to keep me from feeling uncomfortable.

I overheard her in the bathroom talking on the phone to her mother and it made me upset because she said that he treated her badly and that he didn’t consider her feelings. Now he’s proposed to me and I said yes.

She left him two very vulgar, ugly voice mails, stating that he wasn’t a man, and that he was a liar and disrespectful for spending the night with me in my home with my daughter.

Other things she said have caused me to think, but he keeps reassuring me that she’s just jealous that he didn’t choose her. I heard her say how fake his feelings are because we have pictures up of us together, but not of our children to validate our relationship. They moved her desk at work. Only a few people have congratulated us on our engagement, but I feel that they think that he wasn’t genuine in this proposal.

It’s only been nine months since we started dating seriously. Should I be concerned about how he treated this other woman? Very Conflicted and Confused

You already are concerned. So, take a pause.

I’m not saying to break up . . . that’s a decision you must make with conviction one way or the other. That’s why you must give yourself this time to think.

He broke off with that woman one month before starting to date you. That’s a flattering switch, but also a rush.

These nine months together have had a lot of drama getting in the way of your getting to really know him better. Yet, it’s shown his character in ways you’d not have seen otherwise.

While he had a right to break it off with her, he clearly hadn’t treated her kindly.

He also let the situation intrude into the workplace (though she was also responsible for this, and she’s deeply hurt/angry).

A pause of reflection, along with a focus on what values he’d bring to family life with you and your young daughter, is essential.

You need to know more.

Other things she said have caused me to think, but he keeps reassuring me that she’s just jealous that he didn’t choose her