OFF THE RACK

OK!

Cover: OK! implies that Prince Harry asked HRH about marrying Meghan Markle and she said no. They then compare his situation to his great grand uncle, who abdicated the throne to marry American divorcée Wallis Simpson. Guys, Harry’s the spare! Unless Will’s entire family dies, he’s getting nowhere near the throne!

Brad’s no dad: Gwyneth’s relashe with Brad Falchuk is awkward because her kids would rather spend time with Chris Martin. “The kids don’t hate Brad, they just adore their dad.” It must hurt to come in second to Coldplay. Cue the conscious uncoupling music. (It’s Coldplay’s “Clocks.”)

Brad Romance: Brad Pitt and Sienna Miller apparently hooked up at Glastonbury in a Winnebago. So you know. Life is as glamorous as ever.

LIFE & STYLE

Cover: Gwake secretly got married. Now that that’s out of the way, did you guys know Gwen’s twitter avatar is Blake in a gross trucker hat? This makes it easy to pretend that when she tweets Harajuku Girl nonsense, it’s him saying it. Try it, you’ll love it!

Realest Housewives: I’m amused that the Real Housewives feel like they don’t feud enough on TV and need to take their beefs to the tabloids. In any case, Ramona and Bethenny are in a FIGHT and Bethenny was all “We will never be on the same sidewalk again!” Is that a thing people are saying now?

Unwedded bliss: The Wedding is Off! screams Life & Style. It’s not that Miley doesn’t WANT to marry Liam, it’s just that she’s busy with her career and not smoking all the pot in the world.

STAR

Cover: Star thinks Travolta is “secretly” gay. I love how their sub-headline says he’s had affairs with men and women and women is underlined. As if that’s the truly unbelievable part. I’ve always hoped Travolta would leave scientology, but something ( Battlefield Earth) tells me he’s a lifer.

Bod squad: I complained about women being body-shamed last week and now I’m back to complain about men being body-shamed! Body shaming is wrong! And we shouldn’t do it. But . . . jeez, DiCaprio! You aren’t a dad, so your dad bod isn’t very authentic. Please, Mr. Shakespeare is my father: Ads for a new show about the bard are hilarious: “Before he was Shakespeare, he was WILL.” My spinoff pitch: “Before he was Hemingway, he was ERNIE.” Tanis Fowler