One daughter wants parents to pretend sister doesn’t exist

Years ago, my two daughters got into a huge fight and have not spoken since. One girl lives in Alberta with her young son and husband; every year the husband brings their son to Ontario for a visit.

The little guy stays at our house while dad goes fishing. The problem is that they have made it clear that while our grandson is here, he is to have zero contact with my other daughter (a.k.a. the OD).

This year, they were furious that I was planning a family party when the little guy was here, which included the OD; my grandson wasn’t allowed to stay.

They have even said that if I see the OD in a store when I have my grandson, then I need to leave! How do I deal with this?

The first thing you need to understand is that, while your situation is extreme, family dynamics like this are not uncommon. Appalling, yes. Hurtful, intensely. Uncommon, no.

Here’s a letter to send to both daughters: “Girls: Your father and I are deeply hurt and angry. We’re sorry you’ve fought and are unable to resolve the issues between you. We wish you could work it out. Maybe some day . . .

But that’s between you; it’s out of our hands. What we want you to understand is that you are both our daughters, we love you both and, therefore, we refuse to take sides, to act as referees or to be held hostage by either of you.

In the matter of our grandson, we love that kid very much, and his time with us is precious. So we need you to understand that we are not prepared to allow your anger to interfere with that time, or to foolishly destroy a relationship that is important both to the child and us.

This summer’s fiasco with the family party was ridiculous. So in the future, we will not intentionally plan family gettogethers when (insert kid’s name here) is with us; we do not want him exposed to such nonsense. And we don’t want to be hurt anymore, either. On the other hand, we must make clear that, if we inadvertently run into (OD’s name) during his visit, we are not going to run and hide; the very suggestion that we should do so is shocking.

Write a letter including the following: However we can, and do, insist that you immediately stop using us and our grandson as weapons to attack each other

We cannot require you to ‘kiss and make up;’ you’re too old for that. And we can’t send you to your rooms or put you over our knees for a spanking — although, God knows, it’s tempting. However we can, and do, insist that you immediately stop using us and our grandson as weapons to attack each other.

We look forward to time with (kid’s name again) next summer. We have fun when we’re together; not having him this year was a terrible loss. And we continue to hope that someday, before you have to co-operate on planning our funerals, you will find the courage to work through the things that keep you apart. Love, etc. Mom” I won’t promise this letter will work. But parents need to be clear that they will not be used as pawns in the nasty little games their whelps sometimes play with each other.

Good luck!