Beyoncé’s motherly mirage is multiple madness
Ultra-glam photo with twins a grim contrast to mortals’ first month with twins
As a father of twins, I strongly condemn Beyoncé for bringing extreme glamour to the exhausting and utterly terrifying first month of life with multiples.
Did you see the Instagram photo she shared on Friday? How could you not see it? That photo was like a gamma-ray burst in the wee hours, an explosion of blinding light and colour that forced all mere mortals to squint at their screens while mesmerized by a cosmic force.
In keeping with the theme of her pregnancy photo, the megastar was back outdoors, barefoot in the grass and framed by a blurry ocean, manicured hedges and a vertical halo of flowers that probably cost more than your lawn mower.
The new twins — now officially trademarked as “Sir Carter and Rumi” — are cradled on the right side of her chest in some kind of advanced hold they must have forgotten to teach me in multiples class.
Their tiny heads are somehow camouflaged by Beyoncé’s shoulder-less, legless and torso-less outfit.
This is not a gown, as was widely described. It’s a superhero cape for stylish nudists. It’s just one big fuchsia-floral train with matching sleeves adorned with cinched and billowing cuffs that make Bey’s arms look like two Christmas crackers in which the prizes were Jay-Z’s offspring.
This is also the most misleading baby photo of all time.
Have you no conscience, Beyoncé? You can’t just share this achingly tranquil image with the world and not expect blowback from those of us who can barely remember the first month after our twins arrived, but are traumatized enough to know it did not look anything like that.
Come on. The extreme glamour in your first shared photo of your new bundles of joy is an extreme slap in the face to all new parents who are now expecting twins.
I’m trying to think about the consequences if, one month into my own adventure with multiples, I had suggested the following to my wife: “Hey, why don’t you strip down to your underwear and twist into these floral curtains. Now hold still while I stick this teal veil to your skull. OK, now go stand in the backyard under this bouquet I ordered from 1-800-Flowers while cradling those two little things we brought home from the hospital that haven’t slept or stopped crying.”
The consequences, about 10 minutes later, would have included first responders pronouncing me dead on the scene.
Beyoncé had a chance on Friday to keep it real, to help expecting parents of twins understand the true reality of Month 1. She blew it by showing off with a comically staged photo that was as gauzy and impressionistic as a Morisot painting.
Couldn’t she have at least placed overflowing Diaper Genies in front of the hedges? Or ditched the Palomo Spain ensemble for a tracksuit from Winners that was caked with vomit and spousal tears? Instead of that fierce expression that says, “This maternal goddess does not suffer fools,” how about something more helpful?
Parents of one-month-old twins are more likely to sport a disoriented countenance, one that says, “Excuse me, what day is it?”
And they sure as hell don’t have the physical strength to hold such a rigid pose as a $900-per-hour photographer captures more than 1,000 frames in the blazing sun.
I found a photo that was snapped when my twin daughters were also about a month old. I’m standing in the background holding a paper cup and looking like I was just sideswiped by a minivan.
My wife is flopped on a bed in a room that looks like it was hit by a Category 5 hurricane that arrived with the contents of a nearby Babies ‘R’ Us. Although my wife remains the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, in this picture she appears to have just come from wrestling a jungle cat.
Now this is the kind of photo Beyoncé and other celebrity couples with twins should be sharing. We don’t need to see Jennifer Lopez’s magnificent nursery or watch Ricky Martin lope across an exotic beach with his adorable sons or not hear about the armies of nannies and butlers and hired hands that do all the heavy lifting in the Hollywood fantasy version of rearing multiples.
There were a bunch of stories this week about how George and Amal Clooney “stepped out” for a lovely dinner in Italy. It’s also about a month since their twins were born and, as People noted, the couple “showed no signs of newborn fatigue.”
I nearly threw my laptop out the window. How is that not a horrible thing to tell other parents of onemonth-old twins who don’t have time to “step out” for a shower or barely have the energy to chuck a frozen lasagna in the microwave?
Shame on you, Beyoncé, and shame on every other celebrity parent of twins.
Your parenthood tales and photos are the real fake news. vmenon@thestar.ca