Abusive behaviour shouldn’t be rewarded
My 20-year-old daughter bought her boyfriend expensive concert tickets for his birthday, for a concert scheduled nearly a year later. Four months after his birthday, they broke up. He was rude and verbally abusive toward her.
However, he eventually texted her, wanting to meet and apologize. She says he was very apologetic and they’re now “just friends.” My daughter still wants to attend the concert with him as they were purchased for them to attend together.
It’s bothering me that she still wants to use these tickets on him even after the way he treated her. Is she obligated to go with him? Is what she wants to do OK or not? Inappropriate Gift?
She’s not “obligated” if he’s the one who broke it off. If not, or it was mutual, the ticket was a gift. However, abusive behaviour deserves no reward and I understand your discomfort.
Even to be “friends,” she needs to feel assured that he doesn’t lose control whenever he’s angry or disappointed, and that verbal abuse isn’t his go-to position in arguments. Ask her to think through what she knows about other things that have gone wrong for him. She should go beyond the breakup drama to recognize what kind of person he really is, no matter how great the concert may be.
My friend was seeing a lying, controlling, jealous fool. She says she’s blocked his number. Her mother and I believe she’s lying. I believe she’s “desperate” to be in a relationship. Recently, she’s been dealing with mental health issues (shaking/anxiety, crying for no reason). She’s been reaching out to me and I’m just not having it. I asked her to be in my bridal party. Now I’m unsure if she’ll be OK. I feel I can’t trust her because of all the past lies. Am I crazy for feeling like this? Do you have any tips on trust issues with friends? Doubting Her
When your main response is critical and judgmental, you’re not a true friend.
Her “desperation” is sad and worrisome; she’s lying to herself, too. When she reaches out, she needs straightforward feedback, not rejection. Dismissing her from your bridal party because she’s in a toxic relationship seems, well, heartless. Urge her to see a counsellor for her sake (not yours).
Tips on trust issues with friends? Listen. Ask leading, helpful questions. Don’t be cruel.
My husband of 25 years had an online relationship for years and lied to me about it several times. I don’t trust him anymore. I found out about it more than two years ago and can’t get past it or forgive him.
Am I being unfair? Stuck
There are too few details here for both of us. For you, it matters whether the online relationship was with someone he knew from before, whether their communication was sexual only or also loving. It matters too whether he apologized and explained why he did it. The only advice I can give with such sparse information is this: If you love him, share family together and want to grow old together, then try to forgive him. Counselling can often help in such cases, but much depends on the missing details.
Feedback: Regarding the woman’s husband, whose temper flares quickly, even with their 15-month-old daughter (June 5):
Reader: The mother should’ve initiated a discussion about the father’s angry and unacceptable response to a toddler. He’s in need of anger management and parenting training. There are counselling and support groups for men for this purpose. Mood disorder has become a “catch-all” phrase to cover a spectrum of anti-social behaviours. This man needs to earn the right to care for his child. He should not be left alone with children.
Ellie: I agree with his having to “earn the right” to even handle his child. I also urge all measures this wife can take to protect her child and herself. I recommended calling his doctor to reassess him and his medication, and to consider leaving him safely if he’s aggressive with the child or her. Yes, he’s a prime candidate to attend “anger groups” for men.
Tip of the day
Pricey concert tickets aren’t worth accepting a bad relationship.