Natural wonder and plenty of kitsch
Experiencing the paradoxical tourist favourite Niagara Falls in its full majesty and camp
NIAGARA FALLS, ONT.— I tried to do it all — the mazes and minigolf and midway and magic. I rode on a zip line, a ferris wheel, a cable car and a helicopter. I lunched at a rotating restaurant, looking down at tumbling tumultuous water, then out at the distant towers of downtown Toronto. I pet a parrot. I played the world’s largest pinball machine. I stared into the waxy eyes of Hollywood heroes and my own long face in funhouse mirrors. I lost five dollars to a one-cent slot machine called “Treasure Tempest.” I even ate a beavertail. I saw fireworks. I got soaked on the Hornblower, and I soaked in my retro hotel room’s heart-shaped Jacuzzi. For a fleeting moment, I was actually spooked in a haunted house. Then, on a hike deep in the Niagara Gorge, I felt awe.
Welcome to Niagara Falls, Ont. — the most Instagrammed place in Canada, home of the most voluminous waterfall in North America and (still unofficially) the Honeymoon Capital of the World. I was given two days to take in as much of it as I could, to explore this paradoxical place of primal power and nagging neon. I hit nearly two dozen attractions. And I had fun.
I dive in on the Clifton Hill strip, bombarded with billboards, lights and loudspeakers. This is quintessential Niagara kitsch.
I mini-putt under the shadow of a tyrannosaur, ride the 53-metre Niagara SkyWheel, shoot at a grinning clown’s teeth at the Great Canadian Midway and snap a selfie with Barack and Michelle Obama at the Movieland Wax Museum of the Stars.
At the delightfully dated Guinness World Records Museum, I learn about heroic (or moronic?) Niagara daredevil feats, play pinball and discover that the CN Tower display still stands and that for more than two decades the most tattooed woman in the world was a one-time Alberta stripper named Krystyne Kolorful.
At nearby Bird Kingdom, trainer Steve Bush introduces me to Chico. The 25-year-old blue-and-gold macaw, Bush says, can muster 1,000 pounds of force per square inch with his hooked beak.
I can’t resist buying my daughter a “Someone who loves me went to Niagara Falls, Ontario and got me this shirt” onesie.
But before the kitsch, people were actually drawn to the falls. And they are majestic.
Together, Niagara Falls’ three cascades gush 168 million litres of water every minute from a height of nearly 60 metres. For 12,000 years, it has been carving the Niagara Gorge. In another 50,000, the falls will have reached Lake Erie.
To experience their might, I step aboard the Hornblower. Replacing the Maid of the Mist in 2014, Hornblower Niagara Cruises get you so close to the Horseshoe Falls that all you can hear is their dizzying roar.
I take in more vantage points, racing along the WildPlay MistRider Zi- pline, then getting a glance in the 45-metre-deep tunnels of Niagara Parks Journey Behind the Falls. I get a bird’s-eye view on a 15-minute flight with Niagara Helicopters.
To really experience Niagara, you also need to see fireworks and the falls illuminated, to have dreams dashed at a casino — and to take in a show. I’m immediately drawn to a poster promising tigers and magic.
On my second day, to get past the glitz, I head to the Niagara Gorge for a dose of nature.
I get close to the Niagara River’s churning rapids, from the boardwalk of the Niagara Parks White Water Walk, then take in an aerial view of the swirling vortex of the Niagara Whirlpool from the 101-year-old open-sided Whirlpool Aero Car.
But seeking some solitude, I head a little farther into the Niagara Glen, where metal staircases lead down the sheer walls of the Niagara Gorge to four kilometres of rugged trails that meander through wild Carolinian Forest to get to the turbulent Niagara River.
The only sounds are rushing water and birds’ songs. It’s surreal thinking that the falls once plunged right here, where now-vertical cliffs hem me into a gorge.
And it’s here that you experience Niagara without distraction: just you and the trees and the limestone and the rushing river and something grand, something more powerful, something that will carve its course long after the last neon bulb goes dark. Daniel Otis was hosted by Niagara Falls Tourism and Niagara Parks Commission, which did not review or approve this story.