Here’s how the U.S. president will make an eclipse great again
Neil deGrasse Mike Tyson doesn’t know what he’s talking about, this time will be different
My fellow Americans, I’m thrilled to announce a new deal with the universe.
Frankly, when I promised to Make America Great Again, you probably didn’t think this included the sky. Well, for Monday, I’ve negotiated a total solar eclipse.
How big is this? Huge. So ignore the so-called experts. I see boxer-turned-astronomer, Neil deGrasse Mike Tyson, is tweeting about how total solar eclipses occur somewhere every two years.
He says Monday is not rare and everyone should relax. He’s dead wrong. Did Obama ever produce an eclipse? The Bush kid? Clinton? Geezer Bush? Reagan? No. The last American eclipse happened in 1979. I was dealing with a fake bribery scandal that year, but my people tell me the Carter Eclipse was a total disaster: low energy, no visibility, horrible weather, a bunch of loser hippies with unshaved pits craning their necks and humming “I Will Survive.”
The Great American Eclipse — I told NASA to call it that — will be different.
The Trump Eclipse has already created millions of jobs in industries that suffered greatly under Obama, including solar glasses, walking shoes, portable chairs, coal and novelty baked goods.
Four bucks at Denny’s will get you an unlimited supply of mooncakes on Monday. Folks, I’m serious. Eat as many as you want. And for the first time, Krispy Kreme will coat their doughnuts in chocolate and call them Eclipses. Now that’s American innovation. My new chief of staff, John Kelly, must suffer from real bad allergies. Because when I told him I was going to give another speech, he doubled over, turned bright red and started to gag like he was about to vomit.
He only spruced up after I told him it was about the Trump Eclipse.
“Mr. President,” he whispered. “Please stay on topic.”
The Really Really Really Fake Media — I’m now going with three consecutive same letters, like the American Automobile Association or Ku Klux Klan — keeps saying I’m anti-science. Give me a break. Whenever Melania and I are intimate, she insists on total darkness. I understand eclipses better than anyone, OK? It’s so pitch black in there that sometimes I don’t even know she’s snuck out until my phone lights up and I realize I’m making love to a rolled-up duvet.
So let me tell you what to expect on Monday.
First of all, you know when you’re making eye contact with a hot broad on the patio of your golf course and then an ugly chick walks between your tables? That’s basically an eclipse — you’re the Earth, the hot broad is the sun and the ugly chick is the moon.
Thirdly, as with any eclipse, there are risks to national security. This is why I’ve asked the military to be locked and loaded. The United States will not hesitate to use fire and fury against any threat from outer space. I’ve been told this lunar cycle, or what scientists call “The Eye of Sauron,” will offer an unprecedented umbra.
But if there are no free picture frames, believe me, I will destroy the moon.
Also, before you head out, do not forget to pack your #MAGA wooden stakes. Most people won’t say this, but I will: during an eclipse, while rushing across the border, illegal immigrants can turn into werewolves.
I also call upon every patriot to be on the lookout for Confederate statue vandals, alt-left agitators, government leakers, talking animals — a crocodile once broke into per- fect Swahili during a previous eclipse — and Lindsey Graham.
If you see that publicity whore, slap his doughy face. Then go find Steve Bannon and yank on his filthy hair, forcing him to stare directly into the sun while asking, “Do you really think you can manipulate the president through the press? Or steal his glory through a book called Devil’s Bargain? OR NOT TAKE A SHOWER SINCE INAUGURATION DAY? You’re fired!”
God, I hate Rosie O’Donnell. What a disgusting slob. By the way, Neil, great moustache. Are you an astronomer or director of pornos? And telling people to calm down after you bit off another man’s ear? You’re a hypocrite and a disgrace.
There was a great segment on Fox News about the Trump Eclipse. Tucker Carlson is Barron’s favourite personality. Though since my son still pronounces some of his Ts as Fs, it can be unsettling when he calls during naptime and says, “Daddy! Wake up! The little Tucker is on TV!”
Kelly is now making the slashthroat sign.
The point is, if my good friend Judge Judy can let a dog settle a dispute about who the real owner is, we can all come together — and by we, I mean the people who voted for me — to celebrate Monday’s show that will be executive produced by God.
This will be the greatest eclipse in the history of eclipses. I’m even putting Bonnie Tyler — she used to be a solid 7 — on a cruise ship to perform, “Total Eclipse of the Heart,” which is what Marla used to sing before crying herself to sleep.
My fellow Americans, the time for darkness is now. vmenon@thestar.ca