My husband secretly spent $30,000 on games and hobbies

My husband of five years managed the joint account we established several years ago, by mutual agreement. Our goal was to own a house before having children. When I recently asked when we could start house hunting, he revealed that we’re $30,000 in debt!

He’s been secretly spending tons on games and hobbies.

He’s previously been diagnosed as bipolar and is on medication.

I’ve warned that if the situation doesn’t improve, I’ll leave him.

I now control our finances with a strict budget for both.

He’s improved, spending a fraction of what he spent previously. But it’ll take years to pay it all back. He wants me to get pregnant by next year.

Partly, I want to leave him. I’ll have nothing or half the debt, after my years of working.

I still love him, but my trust is severely shaken.

Partly, I want to stay while delaying having kids. But we’re in our 30s. I don’t want to wait too long. I’m also concerned about how he might handle other problems in the future if I stay. Lost Savings, Uncertain Future

While his spending was deceitful, it’s hard to understand how he could’ve acquired all those games and hobbies without your knowing a thing and never looking at your account.

That’s a mistake on your part, though far less than his wild overspending.

But you still love him and still consider having a child with him.

To stay together, you need to better understand his bipolar condition and learn how to help him deal with it.

Keep your control over banking and spending, but watch it together.

You’ll both have to make sure he sees his doctor regularly and follows his medication routines.

Unless you feel ready for this monitoring approach, don’t get pregnant too soon.

Let the situation settle over six months before you decide to stay or go. I met this guy at school. We talk every day while I’m back in my hometown.

We decided that I’d move into a house that he’s buying with his roommate/friend when school starts. I’ll pay rent for my own room.

I returned for my friend’s wedding, which we went to together. The night before, we went out, got wasted and went back to his place.

We always sleep together, no big deal. We got to the wedding late, as the wedding party’s walking down the aisle. The bride was pissed at me! Then everyone asked what was going on. I said we’re just friends.

The next day we were still pretty hung over. When I left for home, he gave me a hug and kissed me on the forehead.

We both got out of a relationship recently and only met six months ago.

I really like him and don’t know what to do. Clueless

If it’s “no big deal” for you to sleep together, it’s clearly no big deal for him either. But now you’re confused by it all. Moving into his house could be a big mistake if you two don’t first agree on what IS going on.

If you’re a friend with benefits, how comfortable will you feel when another girl sleeps with him at the shared house?

Can he pop in and out of your room whenever he or you are wasted?

This can be an unhappy move and interfere with how you’re doing at school.

Think this over carefully, soberly. You might have a better chance at a defined relationship with him, if you room instead with a girlfriend or on your own. Tip of the day Check your joint bank account together, periodically, to avoid surprises. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.