My latest list of things you are doing, but should really stop doing
It is your job to do things and a columnist’s job to point out that you’re doing them wrong. Here’s my latest Stop Doing That, since you have not stopped doing wrong things since my last menacing column. 1. Stop saying “nuanced.” Or “problematic.” These are weasel words used by people desperate not to be caught saying something that might not be universally approved. Why? Because they want a peaceful life, that’s why. But humanity isn’t advanced by blowing bubbles, pretty iridescent suds that vanish after a floating moment. 2. Stop saying Trump has reached a turning point and has become presidential. It’s like calling him problematic. American journalists who should know better said this after Trump read a scripted speech Monday night prolonging the 16-year war in Afghanistan he used to deplore.
Such admiration is wish fulfilment. Trump changed his mind after being showed flash cards, of young miniskirted Afghan women in 1972. His motives are nuanced, I’ll say that for him. 3. Stop the stealth police cars. My understanding is that a surveillance car should be grey and filled with undercover cops ducking their heads while wearing androgynous daywear. Actual police cars should be bright, white and labelled, so that criminals spot them and run away, while their victims rejoice that help has arrived.
Toronto Police Chief Mark Saunders’ ill-chosen dark grey stealth cars have been rebooted since citizens loudly objected. How will a lost child, a stunned victim, even notice these cars? So Saunders hired, I guess College Pro Painters, and now the doors are white. As Americans would put it, big whoop. I have some Cloud White left over from the porch paint, if that helps. 4. Still on cars, stop shooting them. It’s an improvement on shooting people, but beyond that, it could not be less productive. Florida has seen a flurry of gun attacks on vehicles, with more repair trucks being shot by angry homeowners who felt disrespected by parking (a big concept in the world of toxic masculinity).
The crème de la crème came in 2015 when Toronto Const. Tash Baiat shot a stationary car 23 times. Perhaps it was looking at him funny. It took two years for the police to dock him a week’s pay. Bullets can ricochet, he has been sternly informed by senior officers. I pass on that helpful message. 5. Stop dressing like neo-Nazis. This is a tough one, and may not apply to Canadians. But we’ll see what vile matter gathers with tiki torches in Quebec as migrants fleeing possible Trump deportations continue to cross into Canada. Best to retire white polo shirts, chinos and New Balance sneakers, the normalizing of the white suprema- cist and the weaponizing of Normcore.
As Washington Post fashion critic Robin Givhan wrote, “White nationalists are moving through communities cloaked in the most mundane, banal kind of fashion. Clothes that make them look like they belong. And the fashion industry has yet to tell them that they do not.”
Next year, men may have to turn peacock in order not to look like casual neo-Nazis on the prowl. Suits will require ties again, possibly even cravats. Skin care will be huge (think Steve Bannon’s face, which needs rubbing alcohol plus Clindoxyl). Makeup will advance further. Eyeliner is your friend. 6. Stop riding motorcycles. These hobbyists are called “donors” for a reason. This has been a bad summer — another three died in the Kawarthas on Sunday — but a very good one for people needing livers, corneas, lungs and whatnot. So I’m not going to harangue you on this. You foolish people might save the lives of dying children, a far, far better thing than I will ever do. 7. Daily Mail Fear Alert: Kinky outdoor sex in dungeons (OK, tents) at the Flamefest sex party in Royal Tunbridge Wells can kill you (and it did, the Mail reports triumphantly), also get locals upset about damage to bucolic area. What about “hikes, badger-watching, pond dipping or birdspotting,” one neighbour suggested. More DM Fear: ticks can cause heart attacks. Gum disease can cause dementia.
The wonderful Dr. Christian Jessen — host of a binge-watchable British show called Embarrassing Bodies, now on Netflix — says STDs can be airborne, i.e., you can get chlamidya in your eyeball if a certain something lands in it. Doctors cauterizing tracheal warts can inhale the smoke that contains the virus. Also, wash your armpits. Did you know they can rot and detach?
Mind how you go. I will be back to berate you as soon as it becomes necessary.
hmallick@thestar.ca