He arrives late and leaves her to pay the bill
Ainsley is a 30-year-old teacher who lives in the west end. She says: “My style is a cross between casual and trendy, but I always dress for comfort and simplicity. I like unique accessories, and like to complete an outfit with one of my many scarves or pairs of earrings.” Ainsley says she is “driven, independent and empathetic,” and says she likes to “cook, read, write, work on DIY projects, work out, go out for dinner or drinks, travel and try different things like a painting night or axe-throwing.” Ainsley is looking for someone “who can make me laugh, and appreciates my sense of humour; has an open mind; is earnest; and while this is subjective, is intelligent. Also, commitment is key.” Ainsley has been single for about eight months.
The general trend of my dating life is that first I meet guys through online sites and apps, then I go on several dates with them over a few weeks. Sometimes, the relationships end naturally, but sometimes they end in a way that is more frustrating, and I start to feel hopeless or exhausted.
Then I take a break from online dating for several months as a necessary “recharge” period, but also to focus less on going back and forth with guys online, and to try to believe more in the chance of meeting someone organically. When I’ve had enough of a break, or feel like I’m in a better place, I start online dating again, having decided to be positive.
When I met Jed, I liked that his profile photos had been accurate. I found him good-looking. The conversation on our first date flowed easily, although in hindsight I realize that we didn’t talk about anything personal.
We went on another date after that, which I left feeling underwhelmed. I wasn’t as excited as I had been after our first date to see Jed again. There were a couple of things about him that rubbed me the wrong way. I was also associating my lack of interest with the fact that I wasn’t feeling well that day.
For our third date, we planned to go out for dinner and Jed ended up being really late. When someone is late because something unavoidable happened, it’s perfectly OK with me. But arriving so late without acknowledging it irritated me. While I was waiting for him I had decided not to put our names on the list to be seated, not knowing when he’d arrive, so by the time he got there, we had to wait.
I asked him how his day was. He talked about his day, and his job, for the next few hours. I made attempts to direct the conversation to something else, but it didn’t work. At one point I zoned out, which is rare for me, and that was my indicator that the date needed to end. It really put me off that he was disinterested in a mutual conversation. At one point, he asked me about my career, but in a way that directed the conversation back to him. After that, I stopped trying. I just wanted the evening and the experience of these dates to end amicably.
When we finished our meals, I was relieved, but then the waitress asked if we wanted to see dessert menus. I was about to say no thank you, but Jed said yes. I felt obligated to also order a dessert. The wait for them to arrive felt like a punishment.
Halfway through dessert, the waitress came back and asked if we would be paying together or separately. Jed didn’t respond, and instead ignored the waitress and continued to eat. This was the only time during the date he had stopped talking. I couldn’t believe it. I looked at the waitress and said that one bill was fine, and paid it myself. I was stunned about the obvious expectation for me to answer her, because who else would?
I have had experiences with dates who are adamant about paying, who will also walk me home, or gesture to me to order first, to whom chivalry is just a part of being well-mannered and respectful. Often, I offer to split the bill, or I cover subsequent bills. I was disappointed that Jed missed so many opportunities to be chivalrous, but I did learn how much value it holds for me in a date. The other thing I learned is that I should listen to my instincts, even if they’re subtle.
We said goodbye in the parking lot. Jed thanked me for paying. Later that night, he texted me, and I replied that this relationship wasn’t what I was looking for.
Ainsley rates her date (out of 10): 4 Want to be a dating diarist? Email datingdiariescontact@gmail.com