> OFF THE RACK

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Cover: Meghan Markle, heavy with Windsor child? Unnamed sources say it might be so! So now we might see that rarest of birds, a Royal shotgun wedding, presumably using traditional weapons like halberds and poleaxes instead of the 12-gauge inducements more familiar to these shores. If hasty arrangements mean they get a wedding-song performance by, say, Rick Astley instead of Elton John, so be it. Designs on dough: Jennifer Aniston is about to return to network TV! That is, the Home Shopping Network, where pal Sheryl Crow has found that her clothing line is a lot easier to sell than say, an album, and you don’t have to fly around to smelly arenas and state fairs to do it. Look for the Aniston/Crow fashion line (suggested name: Crow’s Feat) wherever Hummel figurines are sold.

LIFE & STYLE

Cover: Not to be outdone by the Yankee interloper, the Duchess of Cambridge is having twin girls, and is “craving chocolate … since becoming pregnant she loves to eat Cadbury chocolate and Kit Kats.” Now I’m starting to think I’m pregnant. Bat-Ben battles bottle: People want Ben Affleck to go into rehab; Ben thinks drinking a bit instead sounds like more fun. People around him want him to stay at a place providing “a Buddhist path to recovering from addiction”; he’d like to just drop by daily and be elsewhere by happy hour. Watch this space to read this same item, repeatedly, for months. The smallest stars: The bad news: 34-year-old Scott Disick (the man Jennifer Garner sees when she looks at Affleck) is engaged to 19-year-old Sofia Richie. The good news: And not to, say, anyone you know.

STAR

Cover: An insider sums up Brad Pitt’s “12 YEARS OF HELL” with Angelina Jolie: “In hindsight, they really had nothing in common besides great sex.” We could stand to hear more about that, but instead we get a rehash of the breakup and don’t get an explanation for the blood in the cover photo. Maybe a stack of children fell on him. Ghosted: Celebrities describing encounters with spirits include Keanu Reeves, Demi Lovato, Miley Cyrus and more people you know better than to believe. Well played, you sly dead people, well played. Garnet Fraser