A place with a chance to heal
Camp Widow brings grieving partners together for workshops, rebuilding and to find a sense of community
There were no campfire songs, s’mores or swimming at the camp held Nov. 10 to 12 in downtown Toronto. But there were roundtable discussions, tears, laughter and new friendships forged at Camp Widow.
One hundred and sixteen people (71 Canadians and 45 Americans), ranging in age from their late 20s to late 70s, came to the event at the Eaton Centre Marriott to hear speakers, receive practical information and learn about how to rebuild their lives after the death of a partner.
But for most, including return “camper” Irene Phypers of Uxbridge, it was an opportunity to experience camaraderie with others who have suffered a loss. And although there were ample tissues on hand, the atmosphere was more hopeful than sombre.
Phypers’ husband, Corey, died at age 37 in November 2012, after they had been together for10 years and married for three. He had been a heart-transplant recipient 12 years before, but had developed coronary artery disease and was on the list for another transplant when he passed away.
“I was a 31-year-old widow. It was a hard concept to wrap my head around,” said Phypers, who was left with a teenage stepdaughter to raise. She had the support of her family and friends, but it wasn’t until the summer of 2016 that she felt the urge to connect with others who had also been widowed. She heard about Camp Widow in San Diego and bought a plane ticket.
After that weekend, “I felt like a whole person again,” Phypers said. “I realized I had been barely surviving and wasn’t truly living.” Last weekend’s event in Toronto was her third.
The workshops catered to all types of widowed people: whether they lost a spouse to illness, sudden death, addiction or suicide; whether they were married, not legally married or in an LGBTQ relationship. There were sessions for people who suffered multiple losses, those with children or those who had no kids.
Topics included how to transition from “we” to “me,” managing finances, surviving the holidays and dealing with loneliness. The speakers — all widowed — talked about dating after loss and building resilience in grieving kids. Attendees wore ribbons indicating how long they’d been widowed and buttons to show how many camps they’d attended. Many purchased personalized photo Tribute Tiles that depicted their lost spouses to hang on a portable wall.
Camp Widow was created by Michelle Neff Hernandez of Simi Valley, Calif. She is executive director of Soaring Spirits International, an organization that connects widowed people. Her husband, Phil, was killed in a cycling accident in 2005 when she was 35, leaving the former personal trainer with a blended family of six children. While well-supported emotionally by others around her, she didn’t know anyone who could answer her questions, such as “How long should I wear my wedding ring?”
She planned to write a book providing answers to 50 questions she had about being widowed and interviewed 30 people in 15 states. Their shared experiences bonded them and “my book turned into a community.” Neff Hernandez never wrote the book but arranged a weekend where they and other widowed people could come together. The first Camp Widow was held in 2009 in San Diego. Any widowed person regardless of age, gender, nationality, sexual orientation or religious affiliation is welcome.
Harold Buchanan of Lumberton, N.J., has attended Camp Widow four times, including three times in Toronto. After his wife of more than 40 years, Camille, died of cancer in 2015, he was searching for a support group. His internet search listed Camp Widow and he registered for last year’s Toronto event.
“I figured if I drove, I could leave if I wanted to,” he recalled. “When I arrived, I saw the sign ‘Camp Widow’ and it frightened me. I was like a deer in the headlights.” Then, he was going through the motions, “like I was sleep walking,” but he found comfort and support. Since then, “I feel I have made a lot of progress. I learned I’ll always have grief, but I’m at peace with it. One of the biggest things about coming to the camp is you realize you’re not alone.”
Selena Dack-Forsyth of Port Hope, a Camp Widow volunteer, lost her hus- band, Brian, in 1991.
“I never thought I’d recover and I never thought I’d go to something called Camp Widow,” she said.
Dack-Forsyth suffered another devastating loss on Sept. 11, 2001, when her son Arron died in the World Trade Center.
She started attending Camp Widow weekends after her daughter-in-law, Abigail Carter, wrote a book called The Alchemy of Loss: A Young Widow’s Transformation and became a presenter. Dack-Forsyth came along to help, but soon realized the camps were helping her to deal with her own losses. “I got as much out of it as the young widows did.”
Valerie Copeland, of Toronto, lost her husband Michael to leukemia a year and a half ago and was attending Camp Widow for the first time. Her grown children, family and friends mean well, but she said they “don’t want me to be sad anymore” even though she’s still grieving.
“This is of comfort,” she said. “The depth and range of the workshops are wonderful, and the openness of everyone.”
For Dack-Forsyth, one of the most satisfying aspects of volunteering at the camps has been seeing what a difference a single weekend has made to those who have lost spouses. “What’s extraordinary is that people usually arrive terrified and unsure. By the end of the weekend, you can see people’s lives have changed because they realize they aren’t alone.” Camp Widow is held three times a year. Locations are Tampa, San Diego and Toronto (campwidow.org). The camps are part of Soaring Spirits International, an organization that connects widowed people, provides resources and support. Visit soaringspirits.org to find one near you.