SOUL-SEARING MEMORIES
Readers of Ellie describe incidents of sexual harassment, abuse and inappropriate behaviour and how it affected them,
On Monday, I shared #MeToo stories I received from readers after sharing my own experience as a teenager. Here are more personal revelations and soul-searing memories from those who want to end the silence, wrongful self-blame and the odious cover-ups for those who wilfully commit sexual assault, sexual harassment and sexually inappropriate behaviours. #MeToo: “My perpetrator was ‘such a nice guy,’ it had to be my fault”
Although it started more than 60 years ago, I’m still haunted by my abuse. It began when I was a child and continued until I was 16. My abuser was my mother’s boyfriend. The saddest part for me, is that she knew about it. At 16, I told my abuser I was done, so he tried to strangle me, then raped me.
The result was the police pressed charges and my mother married her boyfriend so she didn’t have to testify in court.
I had to move out once he was released. My mother threatened my life if I told anyone what happened.
I never knew my sister was also sexually abused until we were in our 30s. We were planning to confront our mother about why she’d allowed this, but unfortunately my sister became very ill and died.
I lost the only person who understood the depth of our past, which has affected my life every day.
Even some extended family never believed me once I gained courage to share some details.
My perpetrator was “such a nice guy,” it had to be my fault.
I understand why some women take years to talk about their experiences, and although a movement is in the making, it still amazes me how women (and some men, too) are still fighting to be heard and believed. #MeToo: “I eventually reported him to his dental college”
It was with a dentist and it occurred over several years. He’d touch my breasts in a very subtle and fleeting way. As a young teenager, I assumed the contact was accidental.
I remember thinking several times that he was just wiping his hands on the towel that was placed around my neck and draped across my chest.
But I recall one contact that was more like a caress when I was then a young woman. I reacted as though startled and he quietly removed his hand.
Many years later, I understood my experience to be one of sexual assault.
I eventually reported him to his dental college. My complaint was dismissed following a single meeting with the investigator.
His lawyer had made much of the fact that I myself had initially considered the contact to be accidental. We never forget these things. I told my parents about my experience when I was in my early 40s. They didn’t believe me, which was probably the most traumatizing aspect of the whole situation. #MeToo: “This man entered the small bathroom with me inside”
I was 24. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was at a New Year’s Eve party at my sister’s house with her boyfriend and our friends whom we’d all known for years
One male, best friend of my sister’s boyfriend, had a past history of inappropriate behaviour toward women.
But he now had a fiancée who was also present.
Many had enough drinks to throw them off balance, including myself. I remember not feeling well and going to the bathroom alone in case I got sick.
Almost immediately, this man entered the small bathroom with me inside, closed the door behind him and locked it. He asked, “Are you OK?” I said I was fine and leaving to go back to the party. He placed his hands under my shirt onto my back and quickly brought them forward to hold them over my bra.
Despite feeling the alcohol, I was still able to pull his arms from under my shirt and say, “stop.” He then spun me around and began unbuckling my belt buckle and unzipped my jeans.
I uttered “Stop now.” A knock came. It was his fiancée asking if everything was OK.
I quickly turned away and put my pants and belt back into order as he opened the door and said he was “just making sure she wasn’t too sick.”
He walked away. She said and did nothing, as if her fiancé having locked himself in the bathroom with another woman was normal. I felt shocked when she did nothing. I learned the next morning that he’d also sexually assaulted my best friend and my sister during the same night.
We were all furious, but rather than reporting it we agreed to let it go. #MeToo: “I never told any of my friends”
I was 15, having my hair done after school. There were several people working in the salon, but the man, probably early 50s, spent ages fiddling with my hair.
Staff left, I was then the only customer. I was scared, but somehow couldn’t get up and leave. Under the guise of brushing off cut hair, he touched my breasts several times. I was ashamed, sick, scared, upset. My mother asked me when I got home why I’d been so long. I fault her for not questioning me more. A hug and some gentle questions would’ve drawn the story from me. I never told any of my friends.
I also had several experiences where a man would sit next to me and then a hand would drift over to my leg. This occurred at movie houses, out with my mother or a friend.
Why couldn’t I find the courage to stand up and yell, “Take your hand off me, you jerk?” Instead, I’d make an excuse to move and do so — upset, feeling sick and hurt. #MeToo: “I’d slide closer to the window, he’d slide closer again”
These are the ones that have stuck with me over the years:
I was 14 or 15, sitting on a bus. A man sat beside me, sliding closer, his hand at his side to brush my leg.
I’d slide closer to the window, he’d slide closer again. I was practically crushed against the window when I finally got up and fled.
At 16, my cousin’s fiancé was driving me home from a family wedding. He abruptly pulled off the road into a bus loop and tried to convince me to give him a kiss.
I tried laughing it off (he was family after all) but he was persistent. I gave him a quick peck on the cheek but he persisted.
I finally asked, in a tiny voice, if I had to walk home from there. He relented and drove me home.
At 17, standing on a crowded bus, a guy behind me began to hump me from behind. I was trapped and near tears for what seemed an eternity.
I was 20 when a mid-level executive at a large accounting firm regularly spoke to me with sexual innuendos. I laughed it off, but should’ve taken a clue from the other women around me who were aghast.
Age 23 — the new vice-president kept putting his arm around my shoulders such that his arm hung down to graze my breasts. I know he did this to at least one other woman in the office.
I’m in my 50s now, yet the incident with my cousin’s fiancé when I was 16, is the one that haunts me most, maybe because of the personal betrayal.
I still constantly struggle with the desire to tell my cousin, or her brother, or my aunt. But I keep telling myself that no good would come of dredging that up for them.
Incidentally, though these events happened in my youth, I was never physically attractive, I was just a young shy female who was too ingrained to not talk back to stand up for myself. The perfect victim.
I hope that I’ve impressed my teenage daughter enough to speak up and loudly call out any inappropriate behaviours. Ellie Note: More personal stories on this topic will appear from time to time in my regular Monday-throughSaturday columns. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice