Independent divorcée is doubting dating
I’m a woman, 53, who divorced seven years ago. I’d married young, my children are now married. My husband was my senior high school sweetheart and remained that same good guy with the same interests until we split. But I’d grown much more independent, interested in books, music, etc.
Once separated, I moved to the city where my children live, made new friends and built the life I now love.
I work in a doctors’ clinic, volunteer at a food bank and sing in a choir.
I take my grandchildren to activities and special events. I babysit occasionally. My children understand that I need my own social life.
The only thing “missing” is a male companion. I’ve had dates but not met anyone I’d want to see at breakfast. I know there are many women also leading active and satisfying lives, yet from what I hear, see and read, a lot still feel “unfulfilled” if they don’t have a man by their side.
I’m happy and fulfilled. I have love in my life through my children and grandchildren. Sex would be a bonus, but unless it’s with a person who’d bring so much else to my life, I feel it’s not worth the hassles I hear from other women, such as men with difficult adult children, financial differences that cause issues, serial cheaters ... etc.
Am I really missing anything by not even trying to meet someone who’d be a partner? Doubting Dating
It’s a very personal decision, involving what you’re willing to try, what you can handle and how flexible you can be.
In becoming an independent woman, you’ve been adventurous, taken risks, been positive and optimistic.
However, your view of dating is pessimistic, focused on negatives and risk averse.
It seems you won’t even open the door to a guy friend who’d share some interests, such as attending concerts together or a pal from the choir.
For all your growth, you see relationships through a lens from the past — confining and troublesome.
It’s your choice whether you stick with that view.
As you say, you’re happy as is. Yet you asked the question.
Try this: Use your own confidence and security to socialize with men (selectively, of course), to see if having a future partner becomes desirable.
If yes, get to know someone very well before making major moves. My husband’s a workaholic. He stays so late at work he can barely communicate at home and goes to bed immediately.
He’ll forget to eat, gets grumpy, then eats fast food at his desk.
I love the man he is/can be, but don’t know how long I can tolerate this lifestyle.
He misses my birthday, forgets to call his aging parents.
We don’t have children, but he frequently disappoints his 10year-old nephew, missing the boy’s hockey game, which he’d promised to attend. Our marriage has become a once-a-week connection when he’ll sleep as much as possible, we’ll make love, cook dinner and he’ll sleep again. I need more from life, but I also want him.
Is there any hope for change? Lonely Wife
Not while he’s working this way, though he might get ill from his poor habits and intensity, bringing temporary change.
But so long as he’s a one-dimensional workaholic, you’ll have to settle — or not — for his limited handouts of time and company.
For his sake, suggest that exercise and healthy food would boost his energy and output.
Meanwhile, enrich your own life as an example.
Use your own confidence and security to socialize with men to see if having a future partner becomes desirable
Tip of the day If you want companionship with a partner, bring optimism and openmindedness to dating. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.