How Ellie tackles sensitive questions from her readers
This story is part of the Star’s trust initiative, where, every week, we take readers behind the scenes of our journalism. This week, we look at how Ellie Tesher, the Star’s advice columnist, tackles sensitive questions from readers to provide her trademark nononsense feedback.
For the past 15 years, people around the world have been turning to Ellie Tesher for advice on a wide variety of personal issues.
Following a long career at the Star as a reporter, editor and news columnist, Ellie has been fielding reader questions on everything from sex, divorce and cheating to family fights, money and job problems.
This past week, Ellie went public with her own #metoo experience, prompting a response from more than 80 readers who shared their own stories of harassment or sexual assault. It was an indication of how loyal — and trusting — Ellie’s readers are with sharing parts of their lives they normally keep private.
We talked to Ellie about how she navigates the demands of empathy, understanding and common sense in the world of personal advice. How did you become a personal advice columnist?
As a young child, I heard good advice. My father was a pharmacist in a small neighbourhood pharmacy. In those days, people didn’t rush to the doctor right away, so they talked to the pharmacist . . . After I went to university, where I majored in sociology, I got a job in social work as a case worker for foster children in the care of Children’s Aid Society. Later, I wrote freelance articles and was eventually hired as a reporter at the Star, where I went on to become a feature writer, life editor, then news columnist. In June 2002, my husband and I were reading the newspaper and the big story on the front page was that the famous advice columnist Ann Landers (real name Eppie Lederer, based in Chicago) had died. My husband said to me, “You could do that.” So I wrote then-Toronto Star publisher John Honderich suggesting that we create a Made-in-Canada column. Honderich backed it enthusiastically. A lot of the people you hear from are facing unusual situations with specific details. What steps do you take to protect the identities of those seeking your advice?
The form that readers can fill out to tell me their stories is confidential. I’ve never identified a person’s name. And if people write any details that appear to risk their identity, I leave those details out. In the earlier days, I sometimes signed their letters to include a general location, like “Mad in Mexico,” which was typical advice column-style then. I do little of that now. Unless it’s essential to my answer, I will leave out some of the graphic details people tell me, for their own protection. What steps do you take when you are presented with an unusual question on a topic you’ve not dealt with often?
Previously, I contacted psychologists, lawyers and other specialized experts more often. But by now, after so many years, people believe that I have a voice that they trust, or they wouldn’t be writing me. My voice has to be consistent to the best that it can be. I often research what’s been written or said on a specific topic so that I get a current feel for what’s happening in a field or trend, and of course, if I quote someone, I say so. Is it important for you to keep your judgments at bay or is judgment necessary in the job you do?
It’s too easy for people to be judgmental. Most people already get a lot of that. Sometimes common sense calls out to me to sum up clearly what they’ve written, in a way that feeds back where the person is running into trouble. Mostly, I try to read the clues of what’s going on in the person. What are they saying to me and why are they writing me? If I were to say, “Your problem is that you’re an alcoholic,” well, that’s not offering help. But telling an alcoholic how his/her behaviour is affecting relationships, job, health, etc., and where to get help, may be a wake-up call. It’s about identifying the things they’re dealing with in their lives, and what’s making it so difficult. And then try to help them figure out some steps to work through that problem. In this day and age, with so many resources, why do you think people continue to look to personal advice columnists for help?
I can only speak for myself, but I come at it without knowing them, without being part of their social circle or their community group or their family. I come with an objective, but caring, perspective. If I didn’t care about people, I wouldn’t write the column. What do you want people to take away from your advice column?
They don’t have to do what I say. If someone writes me later, saying, “You told me to do this but I did that,” I say, good for you, because you thought about it. Previously, they were just going by some kind of rote response from their past. But the very fact they wrote me means they want something to change. I then want them to look at the situation in different ways, and to rise above previous prejudices and patterns of response . . . If I think they won’t be able to do it on their own, I tell them counselling will benefit them. I hope they come away from the column feeling that they’ve been heard, and put real thought into the problem — and that they’re going to try something different than what they’ve been doing over and over again. This interview has been edited for length and clarity.