Real giving comes from the heart, not a list
My mother-in-law loves to shop and bestow gifts. So every Christmas, I am the recipient of stuff that I neither want nor need.
I have found myself with a threeperson bike rack for a four-person family, household appliances, knickknacks and so on. To make things worse, she complains that she isn’t close to us, yet when we offer suggestions for gift ideas she rebuffs us, instead buying gifts she thinks we should have.
Tactfully pointing this out leads to passive-aggressive comments and the silent treatment.
How do I get out of this pattern without offending my mother-in-law? You don’t. In my preachin’ days, I found it hard to tell the story of the Wise Men without laughing. Have you ever read the lovely Biblical myth?
Here are Mary and Joseph; she’s postpartum in a stinking stable, knee-deep in sheep. Hubby doesn’t have a penny, the kid is wrapped in a crappy old rag they found in the barn; poor as churchmice.
Enter stage right, three rich guys “from the east.” (Newfoundland, perhaps?) They’re dressed in royal robes, riding elegant beasts, exuding wealth.
But wait — they’re bringing gifts! Mary’s heart skips a beat. Maybe they’ve brought something decent for the baby to wear. Pampers, perhaps? A real blanket? Even a stuffy would be nice; it’s hard to cuddle with a sheep. What did they bring? What did they bring?
So, you can imagine mom’s reaction when she tore off the wrapping paper. There were a few chunks of precious metal — useful enough, except there was no Walmart in Bethlehem. There was perfume, as if either mom or kid had use for that. Oh, and there were embalming spices, used to keep dead bodies from stinking in the Middle Eastern heat.
Great gifts, guys. Kinda useless, more useless and utterly useless. Mary’s heart sank like a stone.
When you are fortunate enough to receive a gift at this time of year, it’s not about getting stuff you want or need. That’s what Amazon is for. They’ll have it in your mailbox before you turn off your computer.
No, giving is the process whereby a person, acting not out of obligation but of generosity, offers what they believe is the perfect gift for someone they love. Your mother-in-law’s great sin, as you describe it, is “buying gifts she thinks we should have.” Shame on her!
She wants to be closer to you and in response you give her a shopping list and expect her to fill it. But that’s not how real giving works. Your MIL has it right: gifts should come from the giver’s heart, not the receiver’s list.
So you’re left with a choice. Either allow her into your lives, so she knows you better and chooses more wisely. Or accept the stuff you get with a smile.
The gifts of the Wise Men were as useless as a three-bike stand in a fourperson family.
But symbolically, the gifts foretold the child’s future — a life of kingly generosity and mortal suffering.
Your MIL’s useless gifts also have symbolic value; they testify to her unfulfilled yearning to be part of your family, your story and your life.
Sometimes, even a gift you don’t want is a gift worth receiving. Send your questions to star.ethics@yahoo.ca