Girlfriend’s ex factor is giving him anxiety

My girlfriend of five months still talks to her ex-boyfriend every day. She had sex with him early in our dating period.

I wrote to you about this before. But new facts keep popping up:

I’ve seen a message on her social media saying that he misses her. She hasn’t seen him for a couple of months but wants to get together on his upcoming birthday.

I’m getting anxiety attacks just thinking about it. I’m 31, I love her and want her as my lifelong companion, but I’m going through pain, heartbreak and mental breakdown. Three’s a Crowd

Get a grip. She’s still your girlfriend. She doesn’t see him regularly, but keeps contact because they both want to remain close friends.

That’s not unusual in what’s still a developing relationship. Unfortunately, your fears and anxiety may soon push her away. Instead of constantly showing your insecurity about this guy, consider going with her to see him on his birthday. And wishing him well.

But first, reassure her that you recognize that you’ve been overreacting.

Now, show your trust — she did stop seeing him — by saying you want to put your anxiety behind you.

Without confidence in yourself and in her having been faithful since you two became a couple, your jealousy will only grow and even extend to other males she knows, works with, etc.

Few partners can put up for long with constant controls, snooping and accusations. I’ve been working with a physical therapist for over a year. She has a boyfriend and I have a girlfriend of several years, but I’m falling in love with the physical therapist.

We’re trying to ignore our feelings for each other and pretend nothing’s there, but there is something.

Also, my girlfriend really is into girls. Whenever we have sex, she tells me she’d like me better if I were a female.

I’ll play that role because I only have sex with her once a month at most.

I’m late-30s, she’s early-30s. Maybe I’m with her because I hated being single for so long, meeting women at clubs and bars, having one-night stands or a week’s fling, and it’s over. What do I do about my physiotherapist? Unsure

Do her a favour and find another physiotherapist. Nothing good can come from your speaking up about falling in love with her. Here are the reasons: Her professional physiotherapists’ association, company or union rules likely state that she risks her job by dating a client.

Also, your attitude toward your girlfriend shows your own limited approach to relationships — no real feelings of caring, interest or companionship.

You’ve obviously put no effort into this relationship or any other.

Meanwhile, the physiotherapist crush is more likely a case of transference. She helps you feel better physically and that makes you think she has feelings for you.

From everything you wrote here (and grosser facts which I left out), it’s apparent that you generally don’t respect women. That’s why the therapist’s concern for you feels so special.

The fact that you’re attracted to her is your saving grace — a sign that there may be hope that you can find another approach to relationships, other than only using women for sex and then disparaging them.

Tell your current girlfriend she’s free to be true to her sexual identity, preferring females. Free yourself, too, of your past low-life behaviour. A lasting love relationship relies not just on attraction and sex, but also on mutual respect. Tip of the day Constant anxiety, snooping and issuing controls do not make for a lasting relationship. Read Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.