STATE OF THE UNION
Uzma Jalaluddin shares some thoughts as she celebrates 15 years of marrige,
Today is my wedding anniversary. My husband and I have been married for 15 years. It’s true what they say: the days are long, but the years are short. It feels like just last year we were at the mosque having our nikkah (Muslim wedding ceremony) witnessed by 200 of our nearest and dearest.
We were in our 20s and only knew each other for six months when we tied the knot. Yet we both agree that getting married way back in 2002 was the best decision either of us ever made.
Being married is different than I thought. I assumed we would get six months of honeymoon bliss before we’d start hurling dishes at each other. (I watched a lot of very dramatic prime-time TV as a child.) Turns out I was wrong. There is no dish throwing in my house, except for those ugly glasses I dropped accidentally-on-purpose. Those had to go.
Yet I’m no expert on marriage. In human years, our marriage is barely a surly teenager, and everyone knows that 15-year-olds are a weird mixture of strutting bravado and angsty vulnerability. Still, getting to this stage feels like a milestone.
Every year on our anniversary, we have what I jokingly refer to as a “State of the Union” address. Here are some thoughts on 15 years of married life:
If you’re South Asian (or insert ethnicity), you really do marry the whole family The first few months of our married life, we were invited to family and friends’ formal dinner parties. Every. Single. Weekend. Refusing an invitation was not an option. We’re both the children of Indian immigrants, so we knew what we were getting into. For many South Asians (and other cultures) family is everything and loyalty is an expectation. Loyalty means attendance is mandatory at every picnic, barbecue, dinner party, birthday celebration, etc. It can be difficult to navigate, but family is important to both of us. So we deal with it.
Marriage should be equal, on average For a few weeks, maybe even months, one person really might be doing more of everything: more child care, more work, more worrying, more planning. Then it’s the other person’s turn. Being married means juggling someone else’s schedule and responsibilities as well as your own, and that kind of math doesn’t usually break down into a clear 50-50 split. Over the years we’ve learned that if you’re keeping score, you’re missing the point.
Be affectionate This might just be me, but it’s really hard to stay steaming mad at someone when you’re holding their hand. I tell my husband I love him every day, and he reciprocates. I tell my kids too, and my parents when I remember, but he hears it the most. And I mean it every time.
It’s OK if you don’t have a lot in common, as long as you want the same things in life I like to read books and write. I enjoy hanging out with my friends and talking on the phone for hours. My husband is a fixer, and enjoys playing video games, tinkering with his tech toys and DIY projects. We have absolutely no hobbies in common. We don’t even like the same TV shows. But we do enjoy each other’s company, and talk for hours about what’s on our minds. It works because at the core, we want the same things: a stable, happy family and someone to share the highs and lows of life. Most importantly, we let each other be.
. . . But remember you’re still on a team of two, so cheer each other on.
There is no way I could have pursued my career in writing without my husband. He bought me my first laptop (and the second, and the third) and encouraged me to make time to write. He reads every column or novel I draft, and is honest with his critiques. I give him good advice too, and listen to him when he describes his weird dreams, or his latest plans for our garage. I think he’s amazing, and I know the feeling is mutual.
Some readers of this column may have noticed that I never mention my husband’s name, and he has never posed for a picture. This isn’t because his beard is so long it obscures his face. (Actually he doesn’t have a beard; he says it’s too itchy). It’s because he wants these columns to be about me, a thing I do for myself. When my very first column came out, he was so proud he had it framed. Don’t listen to what other people say about your partner Everyone has an opinion about everything and everyone. They’ll wonder why your husband does this, they’ll comment on the way your wife treats you. Sometimes they’ll say nice things, sometimes not. Who cares? Nobody really knows what happens inside your partnership, and the only people who get an opinion are the ones who actually signed the marriage contract. Everyone else is just a Yelp review. (This is assuming that no one is in danger or in an unhealthy situation.)
It’s not easy being married. It’s not always fun, either, but I’m happy to be playing the matrimonial game. Mostly I’m grateful I found this guy, the one who sees the real me, not the smiley shiny polished version, and loves me anyway. Happy Anniversary, honey. Uzma Jalaluddin is a high school teacher in the York Region. She writes about parenting and other life adventures. Reach her at ujalaluddin@outlook.com.