> OFF THE RACK

STAR

Cover: Who knows if this story is true, but it’s at least top-shelf BS: Kim Kardashian moving to divorce Kanye West, says the mag, after the implosion of his tour . Financial complications ensued because his tour insurer found he had ingested a cocktail of opioids, Demerol, “liquid marijuana, Percocet pain pills (and) a designer drug similar to Ecstasy.” And if you know Kanye, the designer behind that drug was someone expensive, the Michael Kors of melting craniums. Cruise under the radar: Tom Cruise is out dating, just like any other dude: with girls picked out by the Church of Scientology, and going incognito in public by having “his makeup artist create a silicone mask” which can take as long as five hours to apply. I do the same, making sure the mask resembles Jon Voight, so I am either unrecognized or actively shunned.

OK

Cover: Brad Pitt gets to spend Christmas with kids Nix, Tux, Neelix, Kalahari, Hastings, and Prada — having bought a separate tree for each, says OK (and, for all we know, a separate chimney). Meanwhile ex Angelina Jolie devotes the day to her first love, climbing the mountains of madness. Call girls: Leonardo DiCaprio has thousands of leggy ladies in his “little black book” — which I assume now lives with the other really bulky files, on Dropbox or Google Drive — and he likes to “pass along a number to his single friends.” I assume he’s just amused to see them try. “Hello, is this Naomi Campbell? My name is Kevin Connolly and Leo said I — hello?” Love is bland: Coldplay’s Chris Martin is dating Dakota Johnson! Just another perfect match found on famousandboring.com.

US

Cover: The Windsor kids, George and Charlotte, get a normal-ish Christmas, you’ll be happy-ish to hear, including gifts opened on Dec. 24 — but these are often paid for by Kensington Palace staff. Hey, the family’s got an elaborate wedding to pay for, with all the pikes and halberds, weird British snacks, Elton John being fired out of a cannon, etc. End of season: An odd interview with Gwen Stefani touts her Christmas album, which came out Oct. 7, and a holiday special which aired Dec. 12. It co-starred Seth MacFarlane and Ken Jeong, you say? How did I miss all of this? How can I miss it next year too? Garnet Fraser