A kinder, gentler world starts at home
Parenting experts and community leaders offer creative tips on how to talk to your kids
It’s been a difficult year in the news, with hate riots, terror incidents and divisive political leadership south of the border.
On top of this, there’s been a string of allegations about Hollywood types using their power and privilege to sexually abuse and harass women. While it’s important this issue is coming to light, taken together with other violence that’s made headlines in 2017, you could conclude that we’re raising our kids in an increasingly unfriendly world.
I asked parenting experts and community leaders to share how we can manage the negative news cycle with our kids and contribute at home to a kinder, gentler world in 2018 and beyond.
Interpret and empower — Mary Gordon, president, Roots of Empathy “My message to parents is that children gain their resilience from the environment they’re in, not from the global environment. At a year old, a child falls down, looks at mommy to see, ‘Am I all right?’ At year 7, 8 and beyond, the child still looks at the parent to make sense of the world. Sometimes parents forget they have that amazing gift and power and responsibility.
“You can say to the children, ‘There are lots of things that are wrong in the world but it’s not your responsibility and it’s not your fault. But when you see something that’s wrong or unfair on the playground or in the classroom, if you have a chance to say or do something that would make it more fair, you can do that. You can be a changer.’ So you’re not making them feel guilty or responsible, but you are empowering to know, ‘If it’s not fair in the sandbox, you can say so.’ ”
Look for good news — Ann Douglas, bestselling author of numerous parenting titles including The Mother of All Parenting Books “Encourage your kids to consume a balanced media ‘diet’ — ideally one that’s amply sprinkled with goodnews stories about people doing kind and heroic things. Kids need to see that people can and do pull together in times of struggle. That way, if they find themselves facing a scary and overwhelming situation in their own lives, they’ll remember to follow that timeless advice from Mr. Rogers — to look for the helpers and to turn to other people for support.”
Listen better — John Malloy, director of education, Toronto District School Board “By listening to our children we get a sense of what they’re thinking about or worried about. The questions we ask our children are so important. I’ve learned that certain questions help our children share more about their experiences, while other questions simply get a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ response or a nod of the head. Empathy grows when we have the ability to listen to and learn from each other and by providing opportunities for children to reflect on this experience as well.”
Model self-compassion — Kelly Bos, family and relationship therapist, and blogger at Relationally Speaking “I’ve been talking a lot and thinking a lot about self-compassion lately. I believe it is the piece missing for us in terms of being able to deal compassionately with others. We are very hard on ourselves. Going into the next year, ask yourself, ‘How can I talk to myself as kindly as I would a friend? How can I be less hard on myself?’ And then model it for your kids.”
Connect to community — Katie Hurley, a child and adolescent psychotherapist and author of No More Mean Girls “The news can definitely be overwhelming for kids and adults, and sometimes it feels like darkness is crowding out the light that we all seek in this world. It’s important to help kids understand that there are wonderful people in this world. A great thing to do as a family is to get more involved in your community. Volunteer to clean up the park or plant trees. Look for opportunities to connect with other people helping your community thrive. In this world of constant digital connection, one thing that’s suffering is human connection. We have to be willing to step away from technology and meet our neighbours in the street to build connections and show our children that good people are all around us.”
Lead by example — Samantha KempJackson, blogger and host of Parenting Then and Now Podcast “One thing parents can do is to lead by example. As parents, we provide the framework for our children’s future behaviour, so being kind to each other and showing mutual respect and consideration can make a huge difference. As well, let your kids see you doing for others, through charity, volunteer work or giving ‘just because.’ If we all took a few minutes to think of how we could be kinder to one another every day, the world would be a very different place.”
Pile on the affection — Alyson Schafer, family counsellor and author of Ain’t Misbehavin’ and others “Cultivating kindness in a family starts with parents who create a warm and loving environment, using positive discipline tactics to guide children’s behaviour. Everyday affection and appreciations go a long way to showing someone you care about them, especially children.
“I believe that while we are appalled by what we are reading and learning in the news, there are important social changes afoot. And generally, I believe humankind is moving in a more democratic, socially equal direction. Speaking out about injustices means our voices are getting louder. That’s a good thing.” Brandie Weikle writes about parenting issues and is the host of the New Family Podcast and editor of thenewfamily.com.