Closing the book on another wacky, tacky year
It was another year of living stupidly.
In the great big world outside Toronto and in the centre of the universe that is Toronto.
Especially along King St., denuded of cars. Or on any of the bicycle-only lanes cluttering our fair to middling metropolis. Ring up — beep beep — a victory for the bicycultists, both the kamikaze daredevils and the leisurely helmetheads.
A bells-and-whistles new subway extension, though, takes commuters from Union Station to Vaughan, which no longer calls itself “the city above Toronto.” But frankly, why would you want to go where there’s no there there?
Besides, strange things happen while riding the subway, née Rocket, now a stall-and-crawl pilgrim’s progress, the TTC inexplicably awarded best public transit agency in North America plaudits. Something to ponder, the irony of, next time your train comes to a shuddering stop in the tunnel. But hey, the King car is running on unobstructed time. In herds.
The usual, also unusual, suspects got their tickets punched by cops. And sometimes the cops were the suspects, a bevy of officers before the courts, a few of them marched off to jail.
Politicians prattled endlessly while bureaucrats tied the public up in red tape.
He said. She said. Ze said. The pronoun wars continued to rage, especially on thought-policing university campuses. We were mean to animals and lady baboons were mean to each other — a brutal power struggle erupted for Queen of the Troop chops at Toronto Zoo.
A prince had sex in the Annex. But everybody had sex on the brain. And elsewhere. Frequently captured by hidden cameras.
A bunch of ogly-grossy-gropy sex harassers were hoisted by their own petard. (Is that a petard in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?) #NotMe. It was also the year of Fake News. Apparently a lot of folks couldn’t tell the difference. If I’m lyin’ I’m dyin’, honest.
So grab a covfefe and let’s take one last look-back at the year that was, 2017.
We’ll do it all again in 2018, inshallah.
You’re gonna need a bigger bathtub: Taxpayers are on the hook for more than half the $200,000 cost of a six-storey-tall rubber duck brought to Toronto to celebrate the country’s 150th birthday.
We will, we will rock you: While he was watching a Leafs game on TV, a chunk of what appeared to be a meteorite from outer space lands in a Brampton man’s backyard. No homage for the big fromage: Toronto council votes 24-11 against renaming Etobicoke’s Centennial Stadium after the late Rob Ford.
Hic transit gloria: The very first TTC employee randomly tested for impairment on the job comes up positive for alcohol.
Po-po do-pos: Hot mic captures two Toronto cops mocking a young woman with Down syndrome as “disfigured” and a “half-woman.” Up yer Wahoo: Ontario Human Rights Tribunal considers a complaint to bar the Cleveland Indians from using their team name and chief logo at ball games played in Toronto.
The Harvey (Weinstein) Wallbanger happy hour special: Locals Only, a bar in the Entertainment District, apologizes for a sign outside saying: No Means Yes & Yes Means A*** ? @LocalsOnlyToronto.
Tunnel vision: A motorist following his GPS instructions drives into the Queens Quay streetcar tunnel and gets stuck.
Drive-by java jolt: Toronto café Run and Gun gets into hot water over an off-menu latte called the Tupac, named for the slain rapper, which has “five shots and is dotted with five milk bullet holes.”
Peek-a-loo fetish: Foot specialist is charged with voyeurism after a secret camera is found in a thermos in the bathroom.
Forked lift: A dozen venomous snakes are snatched in a break-in.
Hypochondriac: Teacher who disrupted a vaccine clinic and told students vaccinations could lead to death is found guilty of professional misconduct.
Deprogrammed: Karim Baratov, who transformed himself from a geeky computer science high school student into a wealthy high roller, pleads guilty to a series of devastating cyberattacks against Yahoo.
Il bordello: Siri, the voice-activated search know-it-all, directs Toronto users who ask about prostitutes to a Little Italy bar that’s definitely not in the hooker business.
More bitching for the buck: Dollarama gets flak for selling dreamcatchers after a shopper complains the items disrespected his First Nation sacred heritage. Kiddie smut schmuck: A veteran Peel Regional Police detective who watched 241child pornography videos stored as evidence — while bilking his employer for bogus overtime — is sentenced to one year.
Homie bound: A 20-year-old local rapper and alleged gang leader goes on a European tour with Drake while facing guns and kidnapping charges.
Agrave error: Family learns their mother was mistakenly buried backward, requiring the coffin to be exhumed.
Joints venture: Violent inmate “slipped out” of his leg irons while receiving care at Toronto General Hospital and escapes, last seen getting out of a taxi in the Yonge and Dundas Sts. area.
Grifter sisters? Toronto’s Matharoo sisters, accused of fleecing a Nigerian billionaire, skip their court hearing and flee the country. That country.
Weed whackers: Masked bandits, armed with guns, knives and pepper-spray, rob marijuana dispensaries across the city.
Hocus focus: Local TV actor is convicted of violating the privacy of his female tenants by operating a hidden camera in the condo they’d rented from him. To bee or not to bee: Somebody breaks into a honey production site at Fort York, cuts out two hives, steals the honey and leaves the bees to die from exposure to the cold.
Pride and prejudice: Black Lives Matter forces police officers in uniform to be boot-kicked from Pride Parade.
Purple haze: Thieves steal a refrigeration truck full of $100,000 worth of blueberries and other fruits.
Pyth-off: A ball python escapes from a student’s backpack and goes missing at the University of Guelph.
Fear of flying with kooks: A man is taken into custody after allegedly assaulting or intimidating a member of an aircrew, en route to Montego Bay from Toronto, and trying to open the plane’s door in flight.
Butt-outski: Dart Guy, the man who shot to infamy after shown on TV during a Maple Leaf playoff game with a blue maple leaf painted on his face and a cigarette dangling from his mouth, announces that he’s going to quit smoking.
Butt-upski: A 19-year-old going by “Dr. Kitty” is busted for allegedly performing unlicensed cosmetic procedures at her home — including facial procedures.
Yabba-dabba-doofus: A senior trying to sell her van has to fight bureaucrats after a government worker running a test on the province’s vehicle registration system puts a lien on her wheels using the names Fred and Pebbles Flintstone.
Swingin’ in the crane/Just swingin’ in the crane: Firefighters perform dramatic rescue of woman, a repeat adventure-seeker, stranded 30 metres in the air after climbing a construction crane.
Take two opiates and call me in the morning: Doctor terminates his vanity plate — FENTANYL.
Smack happy: Drug injection tent is opened at Moss Park.
Body and soles: Mississauga landlord is ordered to pay $12,000 in compensation to Muslim tenants for, among other complaints, showing their apartment to prospective renters without removing his shoes when he entered the apartment.
Bang the drum solo: Cop responding to a noise complaint at a Mississauga birthday party sits down at the drums to play a set.
Tiptoe on the PC side: University of Guelph student union apologizes for playing Lou Reed’s rock classic Walk on the Wild Side at a campus event, calling the lyrics “transphobic.”
Arf off: Someone posts signs on a Leslieville property threatening to poison dogs because their owners don’t pick up the pets’ turds.
Un-resigned to his fate: After pornographic images are sent to more than 100 people from his government email account, St. Catharines regional councillor Andy Petrowski is asked to step down. He won’t.
Un-trustee-worthy: Octogenarian York Region school trustee finally resigns for using the N-word against a black student’s mother. Dump Trump: Toronto’s Trump International Hotel and Tower drops you-know-who from its name.
Mind the gap: Presto machine spits out $4,000 bill receipt for a $40 transaction at Bloor-Yonge subway station.
Phallus folly: Dermatologist tells disciplinary committee he could not possibly have rubbed his penis against female patients because the member in question is covered by his large belly.
Statue of liberty: Judge stays charge against a heroin dealer after finding that a Peel police officer stole a figurine of the Scarface movie character Tony Montana from his storage unit and then lied about it in court.
This is your brain on heavy metal: After their teenage son crosses the border to attend a Metallica concert at the Rogers Centre and can’t remember where he parked his car, his Syracuse, N.Y., parents post a plea for help on Craigslist: “Our doofy son parked the car in an indoor parking garage . . . but that garage cannot now be located. Please respond with photos of the car and specific location instructions.”
Kin-dread spirit: Doug Ford announces he’ll run for mayor in next year’s election.
Traitor Vic: Mayor John Tory strips one of his deputy mayors, Vincent Crisanti, of the title after he endorses Ford.
Manalyst-by-the-balls: Baseball analyst Gregg Zaun is fired by Rogers for “inappropriate behaviour and comments” to female work colleagues.
Jihad to do that? Woman allegedly swings a golf club at customers and Canadian Tire store while shouting: “Allahu akbar!”
Diehards: Fans dressed as zombies descend on Mount Pleasant Cemetery to pay tribute to horror filmmaker George Romero.
Tempest in a tee: Canadian Judicial Council decides not to discipline a Superior Court judge spotted shopping wearing a “Make America Great Again” T-shirt.
But this one got dressed down: Another Hamilton-area judge is docked 30 days pay for wearing a “Make America Great Again” baseball cap in court.
Heels: Somebody steals 450 pairs of socks intended for the homeless from the back of a van parked in a driveway.
Step up. Tear down: At a cost of 550 bucks, 73-year-old local resident builds a small park staircase used by seniors after city estimates the project would cost anywhere between $65,000 and $150,000. City demolishes it. Game of throne: Toronto Zoo staff intervene with hormone treatments to “take a little bit of the edge off” among female baboons violently vying for supremacy among the troop.
Meanwhile, in the realm of human beastliness: Woman is charged after a video goes viral showing her “beating and mistreating” her small dog on the subway.
Cluster-cluck: City council OKs some backyard chicken coops.
A Confederacy of Dunce: History professor at Massey College resigns as a senior fellow of the school after apologizing for making a racially offensive remark to a Black student: “You know this is your master, eh?”
Oy vey: Police search for a man — dressed in traditional ultra-Orthodox Jewish clothing — after he allegedly told a woman on an elevator she needed “a blessing” then sexually assaulted her in her apartment.
Septic skeptic: Toronto city management committee considers spending $1.64 million for a glass “viewing portal” looking down into a 19th-century sewage drain at the St. Lawrence Market north redevelopment site.
I, the Jury jerk: Sexual assault charges are stayed against a gay Toronto man after the jury foreman makes homophobic jokes about the trial on a local radio show.
That’s $8.27 with inflation: Local music institution the Silver Dollar Room closes after nearly 60 years.
Knobs: Notes proclaiming “No Jews” above a red swastika are left on doors of a North York condo building.
Of course, at York U this might be considered art: Police investigate after two chalk drawings of swastikas are found in a classroom at York University.
But where’s Big Ears Teddy?: Jian Ghomeshi resurfaces with an online music and podcast series.
Casting water before swine: Activist is found not guilty of mischief after giving water to pigs on a truck headed for slaughter. And yet Mark Shapiro walks the streets unindicted: Fellow who was caught on video throwing a beer can onto the field during a Blue Jays playoff game (remember those?) pleads guilty to a charge of mischief.
Bare-boned in the park: Police are accused of homophobia for investigations into men having sex at Etobicoke’s Marie Curtis Park.
Ding-dong: Bail is revoked for Const. James Forcillo on breech of conditions after he answers the door to SIU investigators at his fiancée’s apartment.
Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t: Video captures squirrels stealing chocolate bars from a convenience store and scampering away.
Dr. Kevorkian will see you now: Woman at a Mississauga walk-in clinic demands to see a “white doctor” who “doesn’t have brown teeth” and “speaks English.”
Knickers in a granny knot: Police are called after a cane fight breaks out between two elderly women in a Thornhill parking lot. Alias NIMBY: Margaret Atwood is totally ticked off about a proposed eight-storey condo development in her Annex neighbourhood.
Juniors high: Teacher is put on home assignment with pay for giving Grade 8 students a homework assignment about cooking meth.
Ankle biters: Mississauga man admits he tried to smuggle three snakes into Canada in his socks.
Editors in chief: Toronto District School Board declares war on the word “chief” — as in chief custodian — for being potentially Indigenous-offensive.
All-tweets bulletin: Kyle Ashley, the parking enforcement officer who gained fame for his cheeky tweets about bike-lane scofflaws, is suspended from his Twitter account by Toronto police.
The devil made him do it?: Pastor is found guilty of sexually assaulting former parishioners, in one case coercing sex to perform an exorcism.
Heave-ho-ho-ho: Former executive director at a Salvation Army facility is found guilty on multiple fraud charges in connection with the theft of thousands of Christmas toys. And a Happy New Year!