MOVING ON AFTER HEARTBREAK
In her new book, season 10’s Bachelorette Andi Dorfman bids adieu to her former self, and takes readers into her quest to find purpose and hopefully her happily ever after
The 10th season of ABC’s The Bachelorette starred Andi Dorfman, an assistant district attorney from Atlanta whose bluntness and honesty made her a fan favourite, as evidenced by her one million Instagram followers.
In the season finale, she got engaged to former baseball player Josh Murray, and on ABC’s After the Final Rose, runner up Nick Viall outed her for “making love to him,” in the fantasy suite.
She received backlash for having sex in the fantasy suite twice, not just from viewers but from her fiancé as well.
Trust became one of the many issues the couple had to deal in their volatile relationship and they called off their engagement nine months after the finale aired. Following her very public split, Dorfman wrote the 2016 New York Times bestseller It’s Not Okay, telling her story about what went on behind the scenes (and in the fantasy suite) on The Bachelorette, and detailing her toxic relationship with Murray after the cameras stopped rolling and they moved in together. She also shared the challenges of dealing with heartbreak in the public eye and how low she was after the split.
In her new book, Single State of Mind, released Jan. 9, Dorfman bids adieu to The Bachelorette franchise and her former self, taking the reader through her decision to buy a one-way ticket to New York City in her quest to find herself, her purpose and hopefully her happily ever after.
The Star caught up with Dorfman and asked for her advice on moving on after heartbreak.
You find out one of the girls in your crew just got out of a relationship that was no longer serving her. What’s your immediate reaction? My immediate reaction is to console, console, console. If my friend got dumped then I tell her what an idiot the guy is and how much better she can do. I list out the specific qualities and accomplishments of hers that makes her so much better than whoever dumped her. If she broke it off or it was mutual, I tell her it’s for the best and that 10 years from now when she is married to the love of her life we will laugh about this together and wonder why she ever dated said guy in the first place.
Fill in the blank: The period immediately after a breakup is for ____________.
A tidal wave of emotions. From sadness to anger to regret, I think the period right after a breakup is the time to just let your emotions exist. I like being realistic and saying OK this is going to hurt for a little bit instead of pretending you didn’t care, or that you’re not feeling sad or disappointed. Your feelings are not going to go away if you simply ignore them, I wish I could say it was that easy. I think the feelings of grief only going to go away with time.
How long after a split can someone start to put themselves out there again and what wise words would you say to the one who feels guilty about dating again?
I think it depends on the person and the situation. Sometimes it takes getting back out there immediately to wash off a bad relationship. Other times I think it’s healthy to take a step back and be on your own for a little bit. I think in terms of feeling guilty about it, don’t. If you move on for you, and not to exact any type of revenge on your ex, then you are moving on in a respectful way and shouldn’t feel guilty about doing that.
Drinking after a breakup, for or against?
I’m definitely guilty of drinking after breakups. Here’s the thing, if you are going through a breakup, you’ve got enough things to be worried about, if you want to go drink, go drink, if you don’t want to, then don’t, but don’t let other people make you feel as though you are masking your feelings or being irresponsible by having a few cocktails. Just make sure you don’t drink and text.
After you and Murray called off your engagement in 2015, what mantra did you live by to get you through each day/week/month until you were ready to date again?
When I was going through the ending of my engagement, one of my girlfriends shared with me this great quote that really stuck with me; “Sometimes there is nothing you can do but let it rain and wait for the sunshine.” I took that as meaning you just have to endure the pain of heartbreak for a while until it gets better, because eventually it will get better.
We all Google someone as soon as we find out who they are and want more details, and then hit up their Instagram. How do you trust that someone’s “Here for the right reasons?”
Hahaha, confession — I definitely Google my dates, but I have made up my own Google rule. Before I go on a date I do a Google search but I only let myself look at the first page. I don’t want to go digging for dirt, but I do want to make sure I’m not going on a date with a dirt bag.
These days we can develop full-fledge relationships with someone before meeting them in real life (IRL). We put in time, share intimacies and develop feelings. We may even get on a plane (like you did, twice!) filled with excitement to meet them only to realize they may not be who we thought. Or we may not have chemistry or we may just not be a match at all. Why do you think this happens and what have you learned from this?
When you have nothing to lose, everything is a gain. When you go through a breakup, you are losing a part of your life, you are losing your significant other, a little bit of your identity, maybe for someone like myself, losing your home (which she shared with then-fiancé Murray). Instead of dwelling in the loss, see the loss as a chance to say to yourself, “Well, I have nothing left to lose so I might as well just go for it.”
Maybe that “going for it” is moving to a new city or starting a new job, whatever it may be, it’s an opportunity that is riskfree, and just might lead you to a whole new you.
How do you deal with those pesky peeps who ask “Why are you still single?”
Ugh, I hate that question. Not because I feel like it’s personal, but more so because I feel like it implies that I’m doing something wrong. It puts being single into this category of bad things to be, which it shouldn’t.
I’ve been in enough relationships to have learned that you don’t need to be in a relationship in order to be happy and successful in life. Plus, single girls have more fun anyways. Andi Dorfman will be signing copies of her new book, Single State of Mind, at Indigo Eaton Centre on Tuesday, Jan. 23 at 7 p.m.