Are you still single after all this time? Not a problem
Not everyone wants a partner, lifestyle journalist says in book
At dinner parties, at work meetings, on the streetcar and at wedding receptions — especially at wedding receptions — Andrea Bain braces herself for the following question: Why are you still single?
The 43-year-old journalist and TV personality, a co-host of the CBC daytime talk show The Goods, is smart, successful and outspoken. Yet, she says, it’s her relation- ship status that provokes the most conversation.
“Despite all the advances women have made, the idea that we must all get married to a nice boy and have 2.5 children and a dog and a white picket fence is still very strong amongst a lot of people,” she says.
“And, if you don’t want that, people treat you as though there’s something wrong with you.”
Bain fights back against this notion in her first book, Single Girl Problems: Why being single isn’t a problem to be solved, drawing on her own life journey and her expertise as a lifestyle journalist to argue that women should no longer be defined by their relationship status.
The Star recently spoke with Bain about what it means to be a single woman in 2018.
You make a case that single women over the age of 29 are often viewed with pity and provide several personal anecdotes that back up this claim. What’s the latest example of someone viewing your relationship status as a hindrance?
Just last week, in a meeting, I had two married women start talking to me about my single life. One of them said: “My girlfriends and I were talking about you this weekend and we’re trying to figure out why you’re still single. One of my friends said that maybe it’s because of all the free dinners.” Yes, she said that to me! I can’t make that up! I looked at her, wondering whether to dignify her comment with a response. Does she really think single women are single because we’re trying to collect free meals? Does she think we are prostitutes for food? It was such a strange thing to say. And then — ’cause that’s not enough; they always have something else to say — the other woman said: “Well, you look good now, but what’s going to happen when you’re in your 60s?” Yes! She said that! These are the conversations that I’m having. No one else gets spoken to like this, no one. This is the way peo- ple engage with single women, always with this “take heed” attitude, telling us to find someone and settle down.
In your book, it’s clear these kinds of encounters used to leave you feeling angry. How have they gotten easier over time?
It’s gotten easier for a couple reasons. First, I’m older and I’ve learned to take things with a grain of salt. I also realized people somehow think it’s OK to verbally attack a single woman and make her feel like she’s not living a full life, that she’s not a complete person. Second, I realized that when people make these kinds of comments, it’s not an attack on me, it’s really speaking more to who they are, to their insecurities and to their fears. The minute I figured that out, I stopped being angry. I’m fine — I’ve always been fine — with my single status.
What is your advice for single women who haven’t yet come to the realization that being single isn’t a liability?
I would tell them what I wish somebody would have told me: Do not rely on anybody else’s opinion because this is your life. Whether you want to get married or not, whether you want to have children or not, you always have to be solid with yourself. You can only do that by ignoring all the people who are attacking you and making you feel like you’re incomplete until you marry somebody. Turn down the volume on the garbage. Pay attention to yourself. Build on who you are. Become a whole person. Enjoy life.
You argue that society still sees a woman’s single status as a problem — and one to be solved. What can we do to make things easier for single women?
We should be mindful when we are talking to people about their lives that they may not want the same things that you want. The reality is not every person wants to have children, not every single person wants to be married. People are living their own lives and their own truths. So, think for a second before you speak. We need to catch up with the times when it comes to our attitudes about single women.
You dedicate your book to your godmother, Jean. Why is she one of your single women heroes?
When I was a kid, I noticed my godmother was the only one at family functions without a partner. I was about 9 when I asked my mom why . . . She told me that Auntie Jean had once been engaged and that her fiancé had passed away and that being single (she was a school teacher) was the life she wanted to live. Throughout my life, my godmother has been the most steady, wonderful, giving, thoughtful, creative, giggly, funny person that I know. As I got older, it wasn’t lost on me that this woman — the greatest person I know — is a living example that you can have a full life and do great things and be single.
You also admire comedian (and proudly single woman) Chelsea Handler. Why has she been such an inspiration?
I love Chelsea because we are the same age and we are in the same industry and she is the first woman — at least who I can think of — who is so open and honest about her single status. It’s nice to see a single woman who is not chasing a wedding ring like Gollum (from The Lord of the Rings). It’s nice to see her being strong and smart and inquisitive and doing her job and that she wasn’t afraid to speak her truth. She gave me so much confidence.