Chicago West’s name is surprisingly banal
Have we reached the end of truly wacky celebrity baby names?
I table this sombre discussion after learning Kim Kardashian and Kanye West named their newborn daughter Chicago. While much of the world mocked Kimye this weekend — “Chicago West” sounds like a crime procedural created by Dick Wolf — a fair and balanced assessment leads me to shrug.
If anything, given the number of place names that have infiltrated newborn registrars — Houston, Dakota, Adelaide, Bristol, Madison, Dallas, Cheyenne, Arlington, Sydney, Ireland, Brooklyn, Alberta — Chicago seems surprisingly banal, given the mother’s penchant for shock publicity and the father’s unhinged nature.
Shouldn’t they have at least personalized their new daughter’s future brand by relying upon the Kardashian naming convention and spelling it Khikago?
Celebrities differ from the rest of us in ways that transcend fame and money.
Statistically speaking, they are also much more likely to assign a bonkers name to their offspring. Living in a parallel universe in which creativity is essential and uniqueness is a virtue, celebrities used to routinely saddle their progeny with an assortment of seemingly sadistic monikers that, if attempted in the real world, would trigger a flurry of concerned calls to the Children’s Aid Society hotline.
“My neighbour just named his newborn Moxie CrimeFighter. Please investigate.”
But unlike the rest of us, celebrities could get away with legally naming a child Pilot Inspektor, Banjo, Cricket, or Sage Moonblood because of gilded prenatal expectations. That child would inherit his or her life- style, not have to earn it. In this sense, celebrity was self-sustaining and generational. That child named Rosalind Arusha Arkadina Altalune Florence would inhabit a bubble that was fortified with immunity to traditional social pressures vis-à-vis competition in the workplace and dating pools. That child had it made.
If your destiny is preordained, it doesn’t matter if your name is Destry. If you are born with an unlimited trust fund, one that makes fitting into society as an adult voluntary, it doesn’t matter if your name is Zuma Nesta Rock. If your dad was Michael Jackson, the potential roadblocks are very different than if you are trying to scrape through middleclass life as a Blanket in the ’burbs.
This is pure socioeconomics, which is why my children have yet to introduce me to a classmate named Rocket, Sparrow James Midnight, Bear Blaze, Petal Blossom Rainbow, Diva Thin Muffin or Audio Science. My own name created a lot of adolescent angst, but at least I never had to raise my hand and sheepishly say “here” when a teacher called out “Speck Wildhorse” or “Memphis Eve” during attendance.
The above are actual celebrity baby names from yesteryear. And when compared to a random cross-section of celebrity baby names from 2017 — Katherine, Sophia, Nicholas, Lucy, Leo, Anthony, Teddy, Alana, Dylan, Elle, Mary, Grace, Hannah, Alexis, Henry — it’s not hard to see where this is going.
Celebrities are increasingly skittish, on their heels, too timid to literally just pull wild names out of a court jester’s hat as they once did. This isn’t a reflection of celebrities finally coming to their senses.
It’s a reflection of their lack of faith in their enduring celebrity. You can even see this conservatism creeping into individual families over time.
Kimye’s first-born is North. Their second child is Saint. And now their third child is Chicago. So they’ve made a downward semantic journey that moves from universal direction to religious deification to specific place. This trajectory suggests the next inspiration will be a household product. If Kimye is blessed with a fourth child, he or she is likely to be named Swiffer West.
And what we, as mere mortal spectators, are losing is the chance to laugh uproariously at the folly of learning a celebrity just named a child True or Gravity. As the world continues to burn, we could at least count a jolt of occasional whimsy that came from the appalling names celebrities were slapping on loved ones, names so ridiculous we wouldn’t even consider them for our cats or dogs.
So the question becomes: who is left in the celebrity taxonomy who might continue this outlandish tradition of ridiculous baby naming? Who in Hollywood will have the guts and confidence to name a child Elevator Shaft, Beatification, Genitalia, Lightning Thunder Clap, Macaroni & Cheese, Wi-Fi, Mo Money, Sapling, Sound Barrier, God, Pomegranate Peel or even Baby McBabyface in the years ahead?
We need wacky celebrity baby names to distract us from the real world. We need goofy celebrity baby names more than ever. Where have you gone Sunday Molly, Seargeoh, Daisy Boo Pamela, Kyd and Heaven Love’on?
Come back today, Tu Morrow. Jermajesty awaits. vmenon@thestar.ca