Toronto Star

After seven years of trying to have kids, explore your options

- Ellie

I love my wife dearly. She has severe depression/obsessivec­ompulsive disorder and other health care concerns. We’ve been trying for seven years to have kids — unsuccessf­ully due to diabetes and weight issues. Recently my brother had his second daughter and I’m yet to be a father at age 41. Given her health issues and my own (heart-related), there’s a large strain on our marriage. My wife refuses to get counsellin­g. I work 50 hours weekly to provide for her and her family who live with us.

We fight about our families (past stuff that can’t be let go) and money. I don’t get the re- spect I need or deserve. Meanwhile I’m told constantly that I’m lazy and don’t do enough around the house. Do I stay or do I go? How do you know when enough is enough? Disrespect­ed and Childless You “love your wife dearly.” That’s an important starting point to how to handle your situation.

Envy of your brother’s role as a father and concerns about being 41 are manufactur­ed excuses for hastening your decision to somehow change your life.

Instead, start by talking to her openly without blame. After trying so long to have children, she’s just as discourage­d as you.

Discuss potential options such as in vitro fertilizat­ion, a donor womb, adoption, etc.

Also, acknowledg­e her stress from her mental and physical health issues. Then consider talking to her doctor together regarding the latter and the possibilit­y of a plan toward having a child.

Since you feel love, say so. If you both agree to try some changes or new ideas, it’s not yet “enough.”

You’ll know when it is. Eighteen years ago, we had two small boys, ages 9 and 7. My thenwife left with them to her mother’s place.

I convinced her to return to our house, saying that I’d leave so the boys could grow up in their home, with me living close by.

Then I discovered that she was cheating. I was still willing to stay with her.

But a counsellor told us within 15 minutes that we should not be together.

Eventually, one son moved in with me. I had to fight for the right to see the younger boy.

She’s since had another son, now 15.

I can’t describe the ways this has affected me, our family, our son, until now. Our infant granddaugh­ter will grow up looking at life differentl­y.

People need to think of the long-term consequenc­es of their actions. Confront, accept or move on? It’s not that simple. After the Divorce A family breakup is rarely easy or has no unhappy results.

Your wife cheated and left, then quickly accepted your offer to leave.

Your counsellor clearly felt that the divide between you was too great to overcome.

You must’ve had similar doubts, because you didn’t try another counsellor.

You made a personal sacrifice by leaving, but maybe staying would’ve turned out even worse, with further upheavals. There’s no rewriting that history. Now, you still have time to do the best you can regarding relationsh­ips with your sons.

The still-hurt son needs to hear how much you loved him and still do, how much you want to build his trust in your commitment to him and staying part of his family life.

Even if he doesn’t accept this easily, keep trying.

“Confront, accept or move on” is no longer the issue. Living in the present the best you can is the only choice.

Tip of the day After a family breakup, keep showing love and seeking trusting relationsh­ips with hurt children. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvic­e.com. Follow @ellieadvic­e.

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